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My husband was following the Our Lady of Weight Loss—approved, low–fat, lowcal, lots–of–laughs lifestyle for a few months and was steadily losing weight until he hit a wall, aka the dreaded plateau. We just couldn't figure out why, because, after all, he is a man, and as we know, men burn fat faster and lose weight faster than women do—and he was laughing a lot (stop #2 on your way to Sveltesville)!

So not fair, I have to say—totally annoying. I digress ...

We were stumped until about half an hour ago. We were in the supermarket shopping together (a joyous experience, although he wrecks my Olympic speed–shopping personal best each and every time), and he was commenting, "Those ramen noodle packages are one of my favorite dinners." He enjoys boiling up a bag or two, adding all kinds of vegetables. With great pride, he added—thinking that I would be duly impressed that he was reading the labels—"each package contains only 180 calories."

I replied, without even looking at the package—because, after all, I am me and I know the calorie count of just about everything— that, yes, ramen noodles are 180 calories per serving. However, there are two servings per package, so he was eating four servings, totaling 720 calories, not two servings totaling 360 calories.

This led to a discussion about 94% fat–free popcorn. I asked, "How many calories do you think are in that bag that you ate at one A.M. last night?" He said, "A hundred calories?" as if it were a question, because his confidence in his knowledge of calories had been shaken a bit. I grabbed the box in the cart and showed him the label, and guess what—it's closer to 250 calories. Now, multiply those numbers times seven days per week and add in the other miscalculations, and it's clear (is it not?) that he didn't hit a plateau. He hit a miscommunication of mammoth calorie proportions.

While we are talking about labels, I would be remiss not to point out that calories are not the only things we should be considering. Along with checking for the absence of trans fats, please be sure to read the ingredients, and if any of the following items are among the first five, be forewarned: This product is in all likelihood not only not good for you, but quite possibly bad for you.

 
SUGAR
Sugar will produce an insulin surge that rapidly drops the blood sugar level. Within a few hours you are likely to feel hungry and tired. You will crash!

HIGH–FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP
The body processes high–fructose corn syrup differently than it does sugar, and this messes with your stopping mechanism. HFCS stops leptin, a chemical that communicates with your brain, saying "Hi there, brain. The fat has arrived. You can stop eating now."

ENRICHED WHEAT FLOUR (AKA WHITE FLOUR)
News flash: Enriched does not mean it's actually better for you. This flour has been stripped of anything that is worthwhile, and then those who have done the stripping have added a little back into it so it looks okay. Look for labels that say "100 percent whole grain" or "whole grain" flour.

SATURATED FATS
Saturated fats are found primarily in animal products, and at room temperature, they turn solid. Do you want solid fat globbing up your arteries?

HYDROGENATED OIL
Certain oils are hydrogenated in order to increase their shelf life. Again, these oils turn solid at room temperature. More solid stuff to clog, glob, and blob you up. Items that contain hydrogenated are often labeled as "trans fats." Steer clear of trans fats as well!

 
SVELTE TALK

HUSBANDS—Misguided males who annoy us with their fatburning ability and slow us down in the supermarket.

PLATEAU—A truly good, calm, and peaceful place to reevaluate strategies and rest (no longer a landing for frustration).

* NEW POINT OF VIEW

I derive great satisfaction and comfort from reading the labels. Knowledge is power. *

 
SINFUL FEELINGS

"Size matters not.... Look at me. Judge me by size, do you?" —Yoda, Star Wars

When did all the madness begin? My dear friend Janet, from North Carolina, told me that she can remember wishing on eyelashes (remember that?) when she was maybe four or five years old for a fast metabolism! Imagine, at four years old her deepest desire was for a fast metabolism. (She was an advanced child.) It was then that she started to equate food with sin, guilt, and lunacy.

THE "BAD" FEELINGS STARTED (MORE OR LESS WITH MY GRANDMOTHER)

Have you ever wondered when people started to obsess about food and weight? There was a time when no one "dieted" and nasty fat words didn't exist. Oh yeah—cavemen didn't call each other fat slobs. Those types of words weren't created until the late 1800s!

Cases of dieting were documented over one thousand years ago, such as William the Conqueror (1028–1087), who tried drinking extra wine as a substitute for food after getting so fat that he had trouble staying on his horse. But our obsession with dieting took root at the end of the nineteenth century.

 
LET THE "BAD" TIMES POLL!

In fact, the first fat–ass, corpulent words were "porky" in the 1860s, "jumbo" in the 1880s, and "butterball" in the 1890s. By the time World War I rolled around, being fat was deemed unpatriotic!

Food was plentiful, and Americans were wolfing it down with a vengeance. Health reformers declared the endless supply of meats, cakes, and pies immoral. They preached that gluttony was a gateway to sinful sexual practices (woo hoo!). In addition, they proclaimed that gluttony caused constipation and indigestion.

As Americans entered the twentieth century, interest in weight loss grew. "Experts" offered a number of surefire solutions—magic bullets flying everywhere. Somewhere between the main course and dessert, dieting became a national preoccupation. A multibillion–dollar industry was born.

It's not quite clear why dieting took hold (and hasn't let go since), but theories point to the abundance of food, the increase in sedentary jobs, public transportation, and corsets being out of vogue.

 
SVELTE TALK

METABOLISM—A mysterious bodily function steeped in science that we love to blame for our lack of ability to burn fat.

 
* NEW POINT OF VIEW

I do not accept delivery of my ancestors' nasty terminology or fat genes. *

The foregoing is excerpted from All is Forgiven, Move On by Janice Taylor. All rights reserved. Copyright © Oy Caramba! Ltd., 2008.