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When Sports Parents Lose Control by Regan McMahon

Mon, 09/24/2007

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It’s prime time for youth sports -- the fall season, when kids are back in school and parents are back in training: struggling to get their lawn chairs, their commuter mugs and their little darlings to the soccer field on time every Saturday morning. Not to mention getting to practice after school on the weekdays and making sure all their uniform parts are washed and still fit by game time. “I can only find one red sock!” comes the dreaded cry from the bedroom. Or worse: “Uh, Mom, I think I need new cleats. My toes are all the way at the end!”

My son is a senior in high school and still playing soccer, not for his school but for an Under 19 team in a recreational league. My daughter, an eighth grader, moved up to a Division 3 team, one level up from rec, and one level down from Division 1, the most intense and time-consuming kind of travel team. Her team generally doesn’t travel more than 45 minutes from home, and will only play a couple of tournaments this fall.

Being back on the sidelines, we’re reminded of the sights and sounds of soccer: exuberant kids running to the ball, faces contorted with intensity, unconscious grunts emitted when exerting that extra effort to make contact, whoops of joy as the ball crosses the goal line… and out-of-control parents shouting their own coaching orders and trashing the referee.

We don’t often see totally inappropriate sideline behavior, but when we do, it’s ugly. And at my daughter’s game on Sunday, a parent on the opposing team got thrown off the field by a young ref who wouldn’t tolerate it.

The last time I'd seen a parent ejected was at one of my son’s Little League games a year ago. The venom he spewed at the umpire was the four-letter kind.

In the many interviews I’ve done since my book, “Revolution in the Bleachers,” came out in late spring, the most-asked question is, “Why do parents go so nuts over their kids’ sports?”

There are many factors, from feeling insecure and vulnerable in an unstable economy to living vicariously through one’s child. But as with many issue in youth sports, we parents need to step back and remember this is the child’s experience, not ours. If she’s upset about a ref’s call, let her deal with it. Let her learn the life lesson that things don’t always go her way, or that life is unfair, or that refs are human and sometimes make errors in judgment, or that she or her team made a mistake and deserve to get a foul called, especially a foul intended to protect players from injury.

We’re not doing our kids any favors when we try to control their experience so they never feel pain or disappointment. Or when we embarrass them in front of all the other players and parents on both sides of the field.

To learn more about me and my book, check out my web site.

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