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Two Things Men Want and Don't EVER Tell Women by Paul Dobransky

Fri, 06/22/2007

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The man goes along with dating and even enters the beginnings of a committed relationship, but then suddenly, without warning, he admits he was never that into you.

Bye bye.

It turns out that in the mating dance, there are steps that a man would NEVER admit to you, even if they would completely FIX the relationship!

The reason is that if he has to tell you, the magic is gone. It is as if your spell is broken by saying them to you.

1. MEN NEED WOMEN TO GIVE THEM A CHALLENGE TO WIN. To "play hard to get."

2. MEN ALSO NEED WOMEN TO HAVE SOLID BOUNDARIES ENOUGH THAT THEY FEEL THAT THEIR "MALE TERRITORY," THEIR SENSE OF PSYCHOLOGICAL FREEDOM, WILL NOT BE PUT IN JEOPARDY IF THEY DO IN FACT COMMIT.

Let's see the letter from a reader:

QUESTION:

"Dr. Paul how do you feel about this letter. I'm totally hurt. 'Hi Patti, Sorry we got cut off, I had to go and figured I'd send you an e-mail instead as you sounded busy. I just wanted to chat about us and make sure we are on the same page or at least understand where each of us is coming from. I want to be completely honest and open with you in regards to what I am looking and not looking for. I think you are sexy and a caring person. I don't think we have much in common at least not enough for a full relationship. I am very attracted to you and am very interested in continuing a sexual relationship with you. I feel like you want more. So I don't know if you are OK with that or not. Why don't you think about what you really want and then let me know.

Ken'

What am I supposed to do with this?"

ANSWER:

Well its a guy who wants his cake and to eat it too: "friends with benefits." Sounds like not the guy for you. The question this all begs though, is what could you learn, if anything?

You could look on it in hurt, or see a positive here and notice that you have been saved from months or years of confusing misery. If you yourself don't try a new approach with him, and he himself does not feel compelled to change, then you will still be playing cat and mouse with him years from now.

Also it might point two things out as lessons that are hard skills at times to learn.

1. You likely need to build in sexual attraction skill at "playing hard to get," which will round out your lock on such guys.

2. Skill at identifying good boundaries in guys (therefore their ability to commit), which eliminates the type who only want friends with benefits (players).

If you study in my system how "opposites attract" each other in personality style - via the kwml material ( go test yourself and men you know at www.kwml.com) - and also that "like attracts like" when a man loves a woman (you need similar beliefs, values and interests)... then you have a solid set of skills to make this situation not a part of your life again.

Men are hard-wired evolutionarily to not be so interested in permanent commitment to just one woman. HOWEVER, all bets are off on this M.O. if there is compelling evidence that being with you is likely to raise his status in life, experience and opportunity to WIN YOU OVER, and if your personality style and maturity are unlikely to harm his sense of freedom, psychological territory, and career ambitions, then there is a fair chance you may find a formerly noncommitted, casual man chasing you with church bells ringing in his ears.

I often ask groups of men that I teach a simple set of questions:

1. Are you the committing type?(Almost universally, they say no, or say yes but they really, secretly harbor a no about this.)

2. If not, then what if Angelina Jolie walked up to you, asked for a date, and after a number of months, actually proposed to you? How would you feel about commitment and marriage then?(Almost universally, the men are suddenly, "the committed type")

If a man has to tell you to give him challenges, it takes away the very enjoyment of trying to win over your heart. Nobody wants to commit to someone who goes through the magic of sexual attraction with a to do list. It needs to happen naturally, and with an innate story all your own.

When a guy feels compelled to tell you all that is "wrong" with you, or list every detail of "why you can't work out," the very act takes away his wished-for chance to test his masculine mettle against the odds of winning you over. We need a challenge, and if you don't naturally provide it, men instinctually feel "cheated" somehow. They feel less masculine overall, and therefore are not as sexually attracted to you.

However, doing this alone might merely secure you a guy who is sexually attracted (when you do the other sexual attraction steps in my overall system in The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love.)

It's also important to assess the man's maturity of personal boundary skill. People with poor boundaries CANNOT COMMIT, even if they wish they could, they say the words I LOVE YOU, or promise to the ends of the earth that they can't do without you.

Some signs of poor boundaries I list in the book include broken promises, bossy, controlling behavior, overuse of the word "should," which implies a wish to control what we don't control.

Look out for these and be aware of the importance of testing a man's boundary skill early in dating - the easiest test of which is to simply DISAGREE with him and see how he handles it. If he is rather childish about it, has to be right all the time, or feels totally rejected by you, then he lives more in the adolescent functions of the brain centered more in the Reptilian Brain than the mature boundaries of the Higher Brain.

On the flipside, when a WOMAN has a lot of work to do on her boundary skill, and the man senses this, it intuitively gives him a reflex fear of his "territory" being at risk, his "male freedom" soon to be tossed to the four winds, and lost.

Poor boundaries tend to encourage overdramatic emotional outbursts, fights and unnecessary loss of time, energy and money. All these things very much threaten men and their "buy in" to enjoying a lasting commitment to you.

All food for thought. I know you have to go through hurt and grief, but on the other side, come out a more empowered woman by using these skills, and forgetting about men who are dead-set against committment, are players, or juvenile in their behavior.

We answer these questions all the time in the free newsletter for women at www.womenshappiness.com and for men at www.doctorpaul.net

If you would like nine days of free lessons and homework on the steps of courtship that will take your dating or relationship to the next level, go to www.drpauldobransky.com and sign up.

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