Perfectly Imperfect, by Jennifer Kolari

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I was on a family bike ride the other day and a neighbor stopped me to tell me she was enjoying my book. As we chatted she said she was surprised that I had talked about my own children and my own parenting experiences in the book. She said teased me and said she would have thought that a parenting expert would have perfect kids. I have wonderful kids but they are not perfect and I am certainly not perfect. I thought about this as I rode, there are moments when I think it is hilarious that I have written a parenting book. When I am impatient with my kids and losing my cool, when I ignore the voice in my head telling me to mirror, empathize, and stay neutral. I have great kids, but sometimes that everyday stuff like my son taking forever to get out of bed, my teenage daughter having a fit because she has "nothing to wear" or the bickering in the back seat of the car that can get to me like nails on a chalk board. I can hear that voice in the back of my head telling me to use all the strategies I coach clients to use and even thought they work incredibly well, there are still moments that I just can't do what I know I should do.

As parents, we need to work towards doing the best we can all the time, but we also have to be realistic. Families are wonderful and complicated. Siblings fight with one another because they are learning how to negotiate, assert themselves, they are finding their place among each other and use that information as they grow and develop and interact with others. Kids do not have a developed sense of internal time so they live in the moment and need us to guide them through transitions. They have huge emotions so not getting the front seat or not getting to push elevator button first become national incidents. As parents we work hard and are often multi-tasking and running in four different directions, so dealing with all this can be very trying and if we have are tired or have had a hard day it can be impossible to stay neutral and calm.

Parenting is hard; it is wonderful and rewarding but hard. To be simultaneously in charge of loving a person so much, as well as correcting and guiding them can be very tricky business. It is important to always be asking yourself I am saying this to my child because they need to hear it or because I feel like saying it? As parents we should work hard to be the best we can be and remember that when we lose it we are often showing are kids that our emotions control us sometimes, but we should also remember that we are human. Family relationships are dynamic and that there will be moments when we bring out the absolute best in each other and moment s that we will bring out the worst. To be honest, to live in a family where no one gets upset or confronts one another, wouldn't even prepare us well for life at all. A child raised in a home like that would  fall over the first time their teacher or their boss reprimanded  them. Children need to learn to deal with other people's emotions, and they need to know sometimes that they have hurt or upset others. All we can do as parents is work towards being loving and empathic but firm and consistent, the rest will take care of itself. So when my son has trouble getting off the computer, my older daughter  gets hysterical because her best pair of jeans are in the wash, and my five year old decides she wants to wear an evening gown to  school, I have to breathe and remind myself that we are not perfect,  we are perfectly imperfect.

Connected Parenting, Jennifer Kolari, Avery, Penguin Books