Parenting with Brains, by Jennifer Kolari

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Ever watched the intimate interactions between a baby and their parent?  All the cooing and copying of the babies facial expressions and sounds? In doing this, we let our babies know that we understand them and we reflect that understanding back by copying and imitating them. This is instinctive for most of us; we don't need to be taught how to speak to a baby. Babies love this, all this mirroring calms and soothes them and helps them to feel safe with what is happening around them. These interactions are critical to development and have a profound impact on the how the brain functions. In fact most of the human brain's circuitry is developed after birth. As parents interact with their children, providing not only food and safety but predictable emotional nurturing the resulting attachment helps the brain to organise and begin to regulate and make sense of the complex world around it.

The human brain continues to grow, develop, and adapt to the environment throughout our lives -- not just when we are babies. Most of us mirror quite naturally with our babies but drop these efforts as our children develop language.  We begin to tell our older kids what we think they are feeling and drop all this wonderful mirroring from our repertoire. They tell us we're hungry, we tell them they can't be hungry because they just ate. They tell us they don't need a sweater, we tell them they do, it's cold outside. We no longer send messages back through our verbal or body language that mirrors or matches what we think the child is experiencing.

Continuing to mirror in age-appropriate ways with our children before we correct behaviour is very effective, and it helps kids to instantly feel understood and to de-escalate. Mirroring is so powerful that it works on all of us, including husbands and in-laws. Mirroring bypasses logical thought and goes right in to the deeper brain centers that regulate emotion. It calms us, soothes us and helps us to organise what we are feeling. It is vital for children to feel understood and nurtured. It is important for their development, mental health, self esteem, and social functioning. This does not mean that you have to agree with them and it doesn't mean letting them get away with negative behaviors. The more pleasant experiences their  brain has, the more their brain specializes for positive emotion - so that he or she may cope better with stress, become more resilient, and be more positive in general.

Iinvesting in our relationship with our children will have an effect on their future happiness. Mirroring and empathy helps children develop the neurological hardware to cope with whatever life throws at them. It keeps you stay close and helps them to make good choices, take risks, feel self assured and enjoy strong social relationships. It may feel counter-intuitive to mirror with your an older child but it is a lovely way to parent and a gift that will last a lifetime.

Connected Parenting, Jennifer Kolari, Avery, Penguin Books