Manipulative Men Are Men Who CANNOT Commit by Paul Dobransky

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I want to mention to you that there are two crucial things we need to learn about in order to be on the way to finding the RIGHT man.

One is "How to not be controlling and manipulative" by developing a strong personal boundary and the identity, honesty, and self-sufficient security that comes out of that.

The second thing is the ability to quickly screen a man for personality style in the first place, to find the greatest fit to your own.

One of the terrible things about being a psychiatrist is that you often see people who are in the thick of a failing relationship, and find that the relationship had a great deal of features that were pretty much doomed to make it fail from the get go.

Yet these people have FORCED themselves to be together and "make it work" for twenty years. If only they had done some up front homework, and taken the dating SLOWLY at the very beginning, they might have saved themselves decades of pain.

In short, a lot of relationship pain is caused by there being no more formal COURTSHIP process in the western world. My material is designed to replace that lack and point out what the deep psychological steps have always been for that process, since the beginning of time, and regardless of what race, creed, or religious preference you come from.

Instead of "rushing in where angels fear to tread," women would be well-advised to read a man rapidly for harmonious fit to her own personality. Guess what? In personality, there are only FOUR TYPES of men. So that's all you need to learn.

Opposites attract as far as these personality styles go, so if you can learn to rapidly read a man for which type he is, and find that he is the opposite of your own, you're golden.

A great deal of the relationship takes care of itself in this personality system (except for boundaries, which we will learn about in a minute). I cover it all in the KWML portion of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love.

The four types of men are:

1. The KING, who is a guy that is very nurturing and kind, smart and a good advisor, very logical and orderly, like Smith Jerrod on Sex & the City.

2. The LOVER, who is also a nurturing, kind guy, but also very artistic, funny, and poetic. The consummate romantic, like Steve on Sex & the City.

3. The WARRIOR, who is an outgoing, confident guy of action, easy on the nurturing side and abundant in the strong, protective, tough category, yet very logical and precise and successful in his career, much like Mr. Big on Sex & the City.

4. And finally the MAGICIAN, who is also outgoing and confident, but in a different way than the warrior. He is a performer, an entertainer, and the funniest guy in the room. He likes nothing better than an audience to wildly entertain, socialize with, and celebrate life with. This guy is not unlike Harry from Sex & the City.

If you have similar traits in your femininity to Charlotte from the TV show, then you are a QUEEN, rather than a KING by gender. Note that she found love with her exact opposite in Harry, the Magician.

If you have similar traits to Carrie, the lead actress played by Sarah Jessica Parker, then you are a LOVER, who needs a strong WARRIOR like Mr. Big of the show.

If you are similar to Miranda the Attorney, who is a WARRIOR on the show, then love is perfect with a nurturing, spontaneously romantic LOVER such as Steve from the show.

And if you are the life of the party and the social scene like Samantha of the show, the female MAGICIAN, then love is best with a man like Smith Jerrod, the KING personality on the show, who is kind, gentle, nurturing, and logical.

I cover every detail of how you can train yourself to instantly read men's personalities for a fit to your own in this same way, in the www.kwml.com test. The idea is to save you TIME in your romantic life and not find you in my office twenty years from now with a relationship that could not possibly work no matter how "hard" you "work" on it.

Could Carrie and Berger have worked out if they had "worked hard on it?" No. Or Carrie and Aidan for that matter? Could Miranda and Skippy? Samantha and Richard Wright? Charlotte and the Doctor?

No. No. No. NO. We all know it. None of those pairings could possibly have "felt right" or "been right" not now or ever. There was no lasting STORY between them. And I can show you exactly how in a way that you can take right to work in your romantic life.

Once you get that concept mastered, it is important to learn how to recognize MANIPULATIVENESS in yourself and in men, before you take things further, and may want to get out entirely. I completely cover this concept in the personal boundary chapter of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love.

I am sure you have had girlfriends who have crossed into your privacy and overstepped their bounds, messing in your personal business or personal life in a way that felt like aggression. All the while they were feeling like a victim, or "only trying to help," or "needed you, and you weren't there for me."

In The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love I totally cover how a strong personal boundary makes you way more attractive to men, by showing that:

1. You have an identity

2. You respect the rights and privacy of others (a hot button issue for men because of their gender need for "space" or "territory.")

3. Are not "high maintenance" and irritable or weak in the face of stresses of life that become all the more intense when we get into a relationship that needs compromise and teamwork, where both the man and the woman contribute to problem solving.

4. YOU can commit, and have the key that unlocks HIS ability to commit, simply by having a boundary.

The prime thing that people do when they have poor boundary ability is that they SUFFER, the definition of which is "trying to control the uncontrollable" and spending energy on it. They are controlling people, and as a result, MANIPULATIVE folks who guilt-trip others into doing their bidding.

The right thing to do when you have a question about a man is to ask him yourself. If he doesn't want to talk, you don't control that and never will, but by asking, and accepting an answer of NO, you will have done just about the most attractive thing a woman can do towards a man: respect him. Don't be surprised if he THEN starts opening up and pursuing YOU.

People who lack boundaries in fact cannot COMMIT to a relationship (which you will see in DIAGRAMS in my book).

It is ironic that many people aggressively SEEKING a commitment actually are unlikely to MAKE one. Want respect? Build a better boundary. It will serve you in sexual attraction, dating and marriage all your life.

QUESTION:

Hi Dr. Paul, I enjoy your newsletter. Please send me the information on your new book "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love." Is there information in this book that is relevant if you are already in an exclusive, but not committed relationship?

Thank you,

Samantha, Stamford, CT

ANSWER:

Hi Samantha, The new book is highly sophisticated and powerful, and came out in May 2007. I actually feel that many women would do well to prepare for it by learning the specifics about men that assist you in putting the book into action.

First, take the free nine-day course at www.drpauldobransky.com that teaches you exactly how to tell the degree of someone's maturity of character (and therefore the absolute measure of if he is even ABLE to commit to a relationship that isn't just about him getting sex.)

Secondly, CHOOSE well BEFORE you invest a ton of time in a guy (by knowing ahead of time if his personality is a good match for your own) with some easy steps you can see in the www.kwml.com test.

Many answers can also be found on my free weekly newsletter at www.womenshappiness.com.

Yes, ALL of this material applies to women who are in an early dating, mid dating, or longer term exclusive or committed relationship. Our character and personality styles don't change according to what time phase we are in within a relationship (although if they SEEM to, there could be trouble for you that you ought to know of ahead of time through these materials).

I also periodically do seminars for small numbers of women (10-20) in Chicago through the year so that I can personally instruct you in the material. There I can teach you the full technology in a short period of time.

Hope that helps.

The new technology I am unleashing in this book completely explains what your hangups are - not simply in "attracting men," but through the dating process and deep into relationships and marriage. This doesn't exist anywhere else, nor will it, because the material in the book is a novel synthesis not yet available to the academic mainstream.

However, if you want permanent RESULTS, you may need some real science, and it is always more advisable to get the benefit of local professional therapy rather than self-help alone.

In the book, we learn that there are three phases to any durable relationship:

1. Sexual Attraction (Passion, Lust, Desire)

2. Emotional Attraction (Friendship, Love)

3. Intellectual Attraction (Commitment, Teamwork, Shared Goals as Partners)

Early in dating, Sexual Attraction and Friendship ability are important. But even in marriage, where we have Friendship and Commitment (called "companionate love"), there needs to be attention to sexual attraction still.

Men and women in a marriage still need to feel more masculine and feminine, respectively, as a result of the honored presence of the partner in their lives.If we keep these three simple phases, and their workings, tools, fix-it strategies, and harmony in mind for life, the relationship stays well-maintenanced and secure.

Thanks for writing!

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