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...continued (See all three parts of the essay here)

I knew I could see things in the world that others could not--to me the world could be much more alive and animated. Objects turned into characters before my very eyes, little messages appeared just for me, I saw what ‘could' exist, magical things. But I pushed these thoughts aside because the world told me they were crazy.

My silenced imagination left me feeling sad and hopeless about the world. In 1986, a break-up with a boyfriend resulted in my isolation from friends and family. To ease the pain, I took an overdose of pills and put myself in the hospital. After that, in an attempt to heal myself I began what I call "my research." I was on a quest to find meaning, an explanation of what it means to be human.

I began to read.

Not the books that were assigned in school. I found respite in authors who didn't just live in their imagination but somehow ‘became' it. Madeline L'Engle, C.S. Lewis, John Wyndam, Asimov, Rober Pirsig. These led me to others, and thus I began my lifelong journey as an autodidact. After not graduating from high school, I got the only job I was qualified to do: working full time in a bookstore .

Because I couldn't get into university, I acquired a reading list from a friend for her English Literature 101 class. I actually believed that due to my lack of intelligence I might not be able to get through these novels. On the list were the Brontes, Austen, Thackeray, Hemingway. After finishing each one I found myself amazed. Not only could I understand it, I reveled in it. I became insatiable. I tore through Dostoevsky and Turnev, and Tolstoy. Flung myself into Orwell, Huxley, and Vonnegut. Then onto Salinger, Steinbeck, Fitzgerald, and Faulkner. Nothing was out of my reach.

And then I had a thought (a few thoughts actually)...

What if everything I had been taught about myself in school was wrong?

What if the opposite of everything was true?

What if I had the power to create anything that I conceived of?

What if the world was magic and I was able to see things that others could not for a reason?

I found out about a loophole in the Canadian school system where I could apply to college as a "mature student" after being out of school for a few years, and they wouldn't look at my marks. I applied to art school and got in. There I was exposed to a whole new world, one where I was at the helm and completely in charge of my own life/research. My life became my research project. I was determined to mine my teachers and the books for the answers to everything.I loved this new life of research. I had thoughts and ideas and opinions and it was glorious. When my classes finished, I found myself literally running to the nearest bookstore to get more information.

Very slowly I began to experiment with my ideas. Instead of listening to the fears I had developed over fourteen years of schooling, I began to question everything. The rebel in me moved to the forefront. I found other rebels to serve as role models. What if we ‘did' the opposite of what we were taught? What would happen?

Some of my responses came out in book form:

The books mimic my own process. Part deconstruction, part re-enchantment of everyday life. Break things down, tear them apart, then shape them into something. I try to see what it is like to be free from convention, and how it feels to go to the limits of your imagination. I want to enter fully into an experiment, that place of being open to the unknown. The realm of uncertainty. The leaping off point.

"Since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn out people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able to learn whatever needs to be learned." -John Holt

One thing I have learned from my life so far is that creative thought gives individuals a sense of ownership over their world. And this is what I aim to share with others. I do not see myself as any kind of expert on anything; what I have to offer is an intense passion for learning. As I found with the greatest teachers I have had over the years, this passion is infectious.
To this effect I leave you with a few thoughts:

This is Not a Book Keri Smith Wreck This Journal Perigee