Why Give An Engagement Ring? by Paul Dobransky:

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I understand that a fair amount of the story that led to our modern western custom of giving an engagement ring prior to marriage is the result of a concerted effort on the part of the diamond industry. (Said with a wink and a nod, as I only learned so from all the media coverage of the issues in last years film, Blood Diamond.)

I don't think it is quite as interesting why we give them today as in fact, why we feel compelled to give (and get) them, according to gender.

Let's say that the culture around us, for whatever reason, has decided over time that it is the custom for men to give women a gold-colored bow around her right wrist to signify the bethrothed to be.

It is hard-wired in the masculine instinct that being of lower status than other men is BAD, and one is less masculine (and feels less fully alive or "passionate" about life) as a result. NOT giving a bow then may not matter much to the man, because they are cheap to come by - a piece of cloth. Not giving one doesn't lower his status. So why not forget about it?

To the woman's hard-wired instincts, it is not rank, but BELONGING and "being normal" that is passionately held dear at the reflex level. To not receive a gold cloth bow to her has nothing to do with the financial cost, but the embarrassment of being "excluded" from the cultural norm of women who DO have one. The woman would then feel less feminine, less attractive and less attracted by the oversight by the man.

Well, we DO customarily give the expensive DIAMOND to signify being headed toward marriage, and the logic of a man's brain may think, "Why do I need to spend so much money just for this symbol of my love and devotion? I AM devoted and in love. Doesn't she believe me?"

Yes, many men do think that even if they would never admit it.

The answer is that it is not about the money (hopefully) for the woman, but the symbolism, and fitting into what is normal and customary to "belong" to the social group of women proud to be called "married."

Knowing this about women may make men feel more understanding and pleased to participate in what is culturally accepted in the West.

In fairness to men, though, sometimes it is a bit grating on the sense of masculinity to be told (even by culture) what our very personal feelings and commitments ought to be symbolized by.

I have heard of a tribe of aboriginals who have a custom involving women in labor, who are laid in a "bunk-bed" kind of arrangement. Their husband takes the "top bunk" and a string is tied around his testicles. There they both stay throughout the labor. And with each uterine cramp, contraction, or pain, the woman pulls on the string, such that the male can experience pain with her in solidarity.

Ouch. Having told this perhaps many more men will be quite pleased to run out and buy the most expensive ring they can afford.

See, it could be WORSE.

Let's not forget the beauty of symbols, and let go worrying so much about the cost of love or the pains of sharing in its duties.

Ring or no ring, it is a good thing to remember the meaning of love in stories such as O. Henry's Gift of the Magi.

As the story went, a peasant couple was so poor that the man's sole possession of value was his pocket watch (which was missing a fob) handed down through the first born males of his family, and his wife's was nothing more than her beautiful locks of hair. She had no comb to brush it with.

When Christmastime came and they had no gifts for each other, but knew each other's prized possession. The husband pawned his handsome watch to get a comb for his wife, and the wife cut off her hair to sell in order to afford a fob for her husband's watch.

When tears flowed on Christmas Day, it was the love of putting the other first that mattered - neither more sacrificing, nor showing off just for public appearances.

That's real love, ring or no ring. (Though I don't know if the peasant man would have taken kindly to using the top bunk - a bit over the top, no?)

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Paul Dobransky

Dr. Paul Dobransky

The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love

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