Competitive Women by Paul Dobransky:

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I recently got a set of very compelling questions to answer about the secret psychology behind what drives competition among women:

1. What are the benefits of adult female friends being competitive with each other?

2. Why are some women competitive with each other?

3. What type of things are women competitive about?

Men and women are EQUAL in intellect and the emotional capacity to love, but DIFFERENT in the Gender Instincts.

If our brain were like a computer, then our "minds" are like "software."The "software" of the mind is divided up into three general functions, what Evolutionary Psychologists call:

* the Higher Brain (where our intellect and reason are)

* the Mammalian Brain (where our emotions are, and things like love and friendship)

* and the Reptilian Brain (where our instincts are, including survival, reproductive, and gender instincts.)

Men and women have their differences in the Reptilian Brain.

Competition is one of the core drivers of sexuality in the male Reptilian Brain. Men feel more masculine when they have to compete for career ambitions, and for the attention of women. This benefits both men and women because the man will be more attract-IVE, and more attract-ED when he enjoys a competition. It is a passionate drive, a kind of "being on fire," not just an emotional enjoyment level of interest.

Women are driven in their Reptilian Brain by a core survival need for BELONGING. An instinct that makes them feel a passionate need for communication, intimacy, and being known to other women. To be in on the "secrets" of a group of peers, to be considered "normal," with the "in crowd," and to feel harmony and consensus.The Reptilian Brain is about "passion."

As a result, the notion of competition among women is a little different in terms of its instincts, than it is among men. Because of the passionate need of women for consensus and belonging, women who compete with one another can see this colored more by wanting to reach a level of belonging to a successful group of women, as opposed to dominating and outright "demoting" other women in the process. This can lead to a sense of guilt when they do, of necessity, outstrip the rank of other women, or demote them so to speak.

Men in general, by contrast, may tend to harbor no guilty feelings about rising in the ranks over other men.

However, even though we all have Gender Instincts, we also have a variety of PERSONALITY styles. In my book and at the website, www.kwml.com, I lay out that there are four general personality styles among men and women: King (or Queen), Warrior, Magician, and Lover.

The Warrior personality type, whether male or female, has a tendency to be targetted, confident, outgoing and ambitious. This lends itself to competition regardless of gender, and explains why only SOME women are very competitive with others, even at times to Machiavellian proportions. Warrior females also can undergo extensive difficulty living in both a competitive career world, and also feeling very feminine and seen as such by others. The pop icons of the "femme fatale," the "dominatrix," and the "bitch" are representations of this.

Warrior personality does not imply unhealthy or immature behavior. Any personality falls in a range of behavior between immature and mature. Examples of mature, highly competitive, organized, powerful, Warrior-personalitied women are "Iron Lady" Margaret Thatcher, Oprah, and Madonna.Queen and Lover style personalities among women tend to fall more in line with the feminine gender instinct to belong, to nurture each other, and to compete in ways that promote team harmony.

Examples of a Queen are Gwyneth Paltrow, Rachel Ray, Katie Couric, Nancy Pelosi, and of Lover personalities are Alanis Morrisette, Sarah Jessica Parker's Carrie character from Sex and the City, and America Ferrara's character in Ugly Betty.

The BENEFITS of women competing with each other though include a tendency to compete in teams with greater ease than that of men, because of their passionate need for consensus and belonging. They will tend to assist each other in rising up in the ranks more than men will. At the same time, those who are less mature of character can also create MORE damage to other women than men will tend to do to each other, owing to their greater social connectedness than men. Still, the social connectedness of women places a natural stop against this too when unfairness in competition is detected - there is more peer pressure and group regulation.

I heard of a story once where a female high school basketball championship was being played. It was the last seconds of the last game, and things were tied up. At the buzzer, the ball was hurled aloft, and the player made the basket. Rather than viewed as a killer victory by both sides, the team captains got together - and recognizing the hard work put in all season by all the women - decided jointly to call the game a draw instead! This was viewed by many men as incomprehensible.

Women tend, as expected, to be most instinctually competitive about areas of life that indicate "belonging" and "fitting in" to a group or class, more than being seen as strange, unusual, or new (as a performance artist, actor, comedian, or magician might, by vocation.) Of course if a woman is of the Magician personality style (again, see www.kwml.com) she might out of that style tend to enjoy artistic expression that does in fact set her apart from others as unique and even "on the fringe" of society. See the early years of Angelina Jolie in the public eye for an example. She is a Magician personality.

In general, women will often compete to belong in the nicest neighborhood, to be included in the group called "partners" in a law firm, compete with friends or classmates to get a job with a choice company or university, but once there, may encourage harmony among others rather than cutting them down to get to the top ranks.

Seen from a scientific and evolutionary psychological perspective, these differences among men and women actually evolved over the ages in order to promote survival and growth of the human race, not to create conflict or prejudice between men and women. Competition as a benefit to society needs both an element of individualism, yet also a social element of harmony and consensus to prevent all out war and destruction as an end result of it. "Healthy competition" that benefits all who are honored to participate.

We cover questions like this all the time for women at www.womenshappiness.com and for men at www.doctorpaul.net .

If you want nine free daily lessons and homework to learn the nine steps of courtship, go to www.drpauldobransky.com and sign up!

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Paul Dobransky, Dr. Paul Dobransky, The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, Penguin Books, relationship advice, love, social psychology, books