Make Your Relationship, or Break It: Learn the "Good" Type of Jealousy by Paul Dobransky:

(View entire post here)

One of the most profound things I have the honor of seeing is the transformation of troubles into strength in the lives of real women and men. Psychology doesn't have to be as confusing as it seems if we organize everything into little boxes, label them, and even draw diagrams of them. That's what mindOS does as a system.

Now I have seen many women forgive a guy who is jealous, a trait that is persistent and pervasive. She will stay with him only to see him hurt her feelings again and again, misconstruing her intentions and heartfelt honest nature.

I have also seen many women accuse a guy of jealousy outright, and drive away or even break up with a man who would have made a wonderful partner for life.

There is a very subtle distinction about jealousy that will help you keep a relationship that's healthy and leave one that's not:

-There is a jealousy in men that is very flawed, and indicative of flawed character. In my theoretical models, this is located in the "Higher Brain," the Cerebral Cortex so to speak.

-There is also a kind of "jealousy," at least as it appears on the surface, that actually indicates a man is masculine, attracted to you and cares about you. This is very different, and even HEALTHY jealosy, because it is located in the "Reptilian Brain" of my model, where MASCULINITY resides. (Men want to be masculine, and WOMEN want them to be masculine, I hope!)

Let's look to some questions that relate.

QUESTION FROM A JOURNALIST:

"Dr Paul,

Need some help.

I am working on a story for an online dating/relationship magazine, I'm working on two personal essays that deal with jealousy: one about meeting my new boyfriend's ex-wife; one about jealousy in general in dating relationships. I'm looking for therapists with experience in relationship counseling, especially in blended families, and having a heck of a time.

What do you say?"

Rebecca, New York, NY

ANSWER:

Rebecca:

It's important to distinguish jealousy from envy. Jealousy is specific to desire for an object or person possessed by another, for the sake of having that item or person, not defeat or one-upmanship of the person we are jealous of. Envy is not concerned with the particular possession or relationships of the envied person, but with defeat, one-upmanship or even hate and wishes for obliteration of the person themselves.

Both jealousy and envy are, in my opinion, forms of aggression.

Envy is a severe character flaw, and is the prime one of the Seven Deadly Sins according to Chaucer and nearly everyone since. I can show you in diagrams how it involved the whole brain.

Jealousy is actually just an angry signal that we can interpret in a healthy way or unhealthy way. And it is certainly a better thing to have than envy. It is located primarily only in the "Mammalian Brain," the center of emotion, and rather than wishing the total destruction of another person, this kind of anger only seeks to obtain something, like a car, house, or the income of another person (not the eradication of their existence.)

The test is whether we ourselves are more on the mature side or immature side in how we interpret our own jealousy. Immature people see the world as a place of scarcity and interactions with others tend to be destructive and win/lose in nature.

For example, if we see a coworker get a promotion and we do not, we think that we ourselves are harmed by not having that job, as if there are not enough to go around. On the other hand, if we are mature, we see the world as a place of abundance, and tend to treat others constructively, with win/win interactions and teamwork.

This kind of person interprets the promotion of a friend as a happy thing that shows that he, too, could get a promotion, if not soon, then someday, perhaps with a different company.

As simply a form of anger, jealousy is telling us that some of our needs are not getting met. We will need to get them met through patient discipline and our own work, not through coveting them of others or trying to take them from others who justly deserve their rewards in life.

The way I teach people to do this is through a system (The Anger Map from my mindOS system, which happens to also be featured in The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love) that explains assertiveness: Going out and getting your needs met without using, abusing, manipulating, guilting or coveting others.

Now in dating and relationships, men and women can differ in what adds what you may call passion to their jealousy.

Because of gender instinct differences, men are passionately jealous of that which can raise up their status among men: things like status symbols, leadership positions, money, and the admiration of women. Women are passionately jealous of that which can give them a feeling of belonging, being "normal" or harmonious.

Both in men and women, this kind of "jealousy" is a good kind - it indicates masculinity or femininity, and is an INSTINCT, not something that can be eradicated or pretend it isn't there. Men need to feel they fit in a RANK among other men to be complete and have a sense of identity as men, and women need to BELONG among other women to be complete and have a sense of identity among women. You WANT your partner to find this kind of solid identity because it will make them more sexually ATTRACTIVE (and effective at life.)

So in the case of an ex-girlfriend, a woman who feels jealous would be well advised to take note of the degree of intimacy and connectedness she has with her boyfriend now, which is certainly more inclusive than it now is of the ex and, perhaps, more than it ever was with her or he would still be with her.

Secondly, she may want to take note that perhaps there is some lack in her relationship with him, or in her life in general, that she needs to address assertively. If she lacks closeness and belonging with him, she may need to approach him and decide what her limits are on it not being present, then either get them handled or get out of the relationship so that she finds a man who is more intimate and connected to her.

If it is about her flagging career that she is lacking in, she may need to recognize that it is up to her to get a better career going and not take it out in anger toward others expressed through the aggression we call jealousy.

In men, jealousy can occur as an aggressive act when the man feels that he is being one-upped in status by other men, such as in a relationship in which he is not admired or stroked, but in which many other women are approaching his girlfriend.

He may feel she is sending off signals that this is okay to do, and it offends his sense of masculinity and therefore attraction to his own girlfriend. This kind of jealousy in men is not well understood by many women and can be seen as a character flaw by them, when in fact it is a normal biological process designed to promote coupledom and commitment.

For millenia of evolution, jealousy helped human tribes fend off outside attackers by empowering the men to be and feel "masculine" in facing them head-on.

A man won't (and shouldn't) commit to a woman who will be a pervasive threat to his investment in the relationship by inviting other men into it, wittingly or unwittingly.

He will need to understand this process in himself, and once again assertively address not so much the advances of other males, but the degree of passion and intimacy he has with girlfriend. Then either stay or get out of the relationship to find a woman who does give signals that his investment in her is secure against other men.

Likewise, if he suffers of a character flaw of jealousy rather than the hardwired biological type, he needs to address his own lack of self-esteem by assertively working on those areas of his life where he is lacking in getting his needs met: in career, health, personal life.

When a man demonstrates the natural normal kind of "jealousy" that is a biological instinct as opposed to a character flaw, it works to ward off the advances of other men, would-be muggers, speeding cars, financial threats, marketers who may take advantage of you and other threats, and that is a good thing!

It means that he is a.) masculine, and b.) sexually attracted to you.

Dr Paul

QUESTION:

"Dear Dr. Paul, I wanted to tell you about a situation with a guy I work with. Well, we're driving each crazy with desire, more than a year and a half now...His father died very suddenly of a heart attack on vacation recently. He attempted to reach out to me and I to him, as oddly enough, my mother had a heart attack at the same time and almost died. I think we both sensed in each other a safe place to fall at this vulnerable time so again painfully our contact was chaperoned and professional. Though he is making moves to be with me, they are covert moves, such as impressing me with expensive lunches, but always ensuring his acct exec or mine is there.

In the meantime, I'm being pursued by a man in Virginia, who I have known and flirted with for several few years. Jim heads up security at a friend's condo where we vacation each Xmas. He is the biggest, sexiest, best looking guy in the town. I believe he has genuinely fallen in love with me, even heard reports his entire body twitches when he speaks of me. He heard via grapevine I had been assaulted and robbed by two assailants on my way home from the airport.

Over a series of phone calls, he suggested we get married and I come to the Virginia to live. It's been very enjoyable imagining a totally different kind of life with this raw, handsome, hometown guy, but the culture of men and women is very different---sex is free, children numerable and fidelity rare. I made it clear I saw no point to marriage without fidelity.

An old friend died suddenly last week in the midst of my dealing with some old family dynamics churned up during my mother's recent ill health (I believe she and my sister have a 'narcissistic attachment'-they never remember whether I'm present or not). Anyways, as a most forward thinking thinker (and a very nice looking one at that), I need a dose of reality, Dr. Paul.

I don't want to hurt this guy in Virginia (8 years younger, same as Jim) but I don't think a relationship can last based solely on great sex and "living in the moment." He deals only with what's in front of him. It very sweet and compelling-he says daring things no man in my circles would ever dare utter, professes undying love, first woman he's been totally open with.

My friend says go down there, stay at the condo and enjoy him. But I'm afraid I'll hurt him, or fall in lust and get clouded, making this more painful for myself and him. Or even worse, perhaps he has a hidden agenda. I hate feeling pressured, but why should I, do I owe him anything?

I've recently realized my powerfully vivid imagination is probably related to the dynamic of feeling invisible to my only sibling and my mom.

I had to imagine they along with my misogynist father, loved me. Only my intellect has gotten me thus far in life. I also see now why I ended up married a narcissist, and why I thought I was dying when he left me and married our marriage counselor. (Yes, of course it was unethical, immoral, illegal, probably even fattening but I decided to let the universe, and a good, well connected psychiatrist friend wreak a more powerful kind of ‘grapevine vengeance.')

This thing with my first guy is still driving me crazy despite your excellent advice to seek my own fulfillment. I endure a kind of vague depression. Now that I've expressed this ‘Jim situation,' it sounds impossible and a bit ridiculous. I also realize this stress is causing me to eat way too much sugar, not conducive to one's sexual attractiveness. Doc, please, some straight talk."

Best regards, Carrie, Charleston, NC

ANSWER:

Carrie:Okay, this sounds a little kooky to still be so boundary-less about what you share, if anything at this point, with this guy beyond simple sexual desire and nothing more.Consider getting some behavioral therapy to get rid of the obsessiveness about a love that is over. It is excellent for getting rid of obsessive love.

When men and women do battle over relationships, the strife is always about someone perceiving they are getting a raw deal. This is why often in western culture so many men shy away from marriage. They feel that it is just "a chance to lose half their earnings and surrender complete freedom to date anyone they want to."

I know a guy who says he has "the perfect biological situation": he has a child with a woman he never married, spends tons of time with the child and dates all he wants. He says he may never marry because he likes his life and feels it to be "similar to a rock star's."

Ultimately, men choose women of high character to commit to, and women choose men of high character to commit to and, perhaps, even when considering who they will sleep with.

This is why it is so important to have a guide to reading character in others. It isn't as simple as some may think, or explain using vague woo-woo terms or generalities. (My book helps!)

We are attracted to those of equal character maturity to ourselves, and we don't have a prayer of changing the type of people who come into our lives unless we change our own character. The gold standard for doing this is going to psychoanalysis, but a good starter education is reading.

INSTINCTUALLY: Women trade their chastity, so to speak, for security in a man of means and who has commitment to them. This does not mean that smart, sophisticated women can't be the top of their career field or fend for themselves. It just means that for millions of years there has been a gender-based instinctual aspect to women's unique psychology that is hard-wired into them. It's not going away just because our modern culture changes a little here or there.

INSTINCTUALLY: Men trade their relative freedom so to speak, for the reliability, beauty, and status of a woman who admires them. This does not mean that all men seek is a cheerleader or beauty queen. That would be adolescent. But it does mean that the urge, instinct, or reflex to be passionately driven to a woman who provides these is built into men. Has been for millions of years. And isn't going away either.

This security vs. freedom tension needs to be a fair trade of equal value to the man and the woman. If it is not equal, then no deal. The woman will not feel right about sleeping with the man and the man will not feel right about committing to the woman.

Sometimes it may be just right to let go of a cluttered mind with regard to the opposite sex, who may be more confused about life and love than you, and start fresh.

Starting with a clean slate so to speak. This is what courtship was originally about in older cultures and still is around in some cultures like traditional Indian villages. We could slowly, patiently get to know the opposite sex through very specific steps that practically guaranteed a good match with another person.

Dr. Paul

We answer questions such as these for free every week in the newsletters for MEN, at www.doctorpaul.net and for WOMEN at www.womenshappiness.com

Post your comments below, and remember, if you got the fantastic book (shameless plug, but people do love it) The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, there is a free nine day lesson plan with homework for you at www.drpauldobransky.com so that you can take my system into action.

Thanks for writing!

View more information about The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love

Paul Dobransky, Dr. Paul Dobransky, The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, Penguin Books, relationship advice, love, social psychology, books