Cowboy Code by Craig Johnson:

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I was once cautioned in the strongest of terms by the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office to not wear my boots in court because we had enough of a problem with the NYPD being seen as a bunch of cowboys. I now have a ranch and live in Wyoming, the Cowboy State. I had a PRCA card at one time and have worked in just about every aspect of cowboying in my youth. So, why is it I feel so hopelessly inadequate in comparison with my fictional protagonist in the cowboy sense?

I started thinking of a framework, a theme with which I could compare the two of us and came across the Roy Rogers Cowboy Code. I thought that maybe I’d go head-to-head with Walt Longmire and by the end, tally up and see who comes closer to being a cowboy, Walt or me.

Rule #1 Always be neat and clean.

I’m pretty sure that Walt comments on his lack of sartorial splendor on a per-book basis; that he’s fortunate that he wears a hat in his chosen profession and is saved from personal fashion disasters by wearing a uniform shirt and ubiquitous jeans, but he’s also in the public eye a great deal. So even if he sleeps in the jail, he must portray a certain professional integrity of person.

I live on a ranch, performing ranching duties. My other occupation is writing, a lonely pursuit that requires little of me in the way of daily presentation. Outside, and particularly this time of year, I wear my Vasque mud boots, abandoning them at the doorway under spousal confrontation, and usually spend the working day in a pair of buffalo-hide slippers. Winter is beard season in Wyoming, and I usually know to trim mine when I begin looking like a Civil-War re-enactor, or it gets caught in the zipper of my Carhartt barn coat.

Walt-1, Me-0

Rule #2 Be courteous and polite.

Once again, Walt is an elected official and, as my mother used to say, ‘raised properly’.

I was raised properly and came from a good home, but something must’ve happened along the way. I think it was somewhere near the time when I started thinking I was funny; funny strangles the shit out of courteous and polite every time. Just ask Walt’s under sheriff Vic and, since she’s trapped in my head along with Walt, I’m doomed to come up with about twelve inappropriate things for every appropriate thing that comes out of my mouth.

Walt-2, Me-0

Rule #3 Always obey your parents.

I’m pretty sure he’s had some lapses, but Walt appears to have lived up to his parents’ expectations. I’m not sure they would’ve been happy with his being a sheriff, just because they would’ve worried, and I think his father wanted him to be an engineer and his mother just wanted him to be happy. My father wanted me to be an engineer, and my mother just wanted me to be happy. One thing I’m pretty sure of is that they didn’t want me to be a writer, which on their scale rated just above carnival worker.

Walt-3, Me-0

Rule #4 Protect the weak and help them.

…All right, this is kind of Walt’s job.

I try to not run over the little animals in the road, and actually carry Box Elder bugs to freedom outside, but. . .

Walt-4, Me-0

Rule #5 Be brave, but never take chances.

Comparatively speaking within the mystery/thriller genre Walt is relatively restrained—but in actuality he’s crazy and I would never, in my right mind, do the things he does.

I had a wayward youth, which included motorcycles, bar-fighting, rodeo, mountain-climbing and law-enforcement—but now, as I’m writing this, I’m wearing my slippers. Walt is certainly brave but is still taking chances, and I’m taking this one.

Walt-4, Me-1

Rule #6 Study hard and learn all you can.

Walt’s pretty damned smart and seems to pick up on things a lot faster than I would, but he’s only got an undergraduate degree from USC.

I’ve got post-graduate degrees and have taught on a collegiate level. Within the narrow ramifications of the rule, I think this one’s mine, too.

Walt-4, Me-2

Rule #7 Be kind to animals and care for them.

Walt has Dog and shows an inordinate love of animals in what I consider to be a logical and realistic manner.

I’ve got a fish, a cat, two dogs, two horses and innumerable deer, foxes, prairie dogs, turkeys, quail and coyotes that depend on me—plus Judy, who is one of the wildest animals I’ve ever encountered. I’m calling this one a tie.

Walt-5, Me-3

Rule #8 Eat all your food and don’t waste any.

C’mon, the guy is almost six-and-a-half feet tall and weighs, what, two-fifty? Walt-6, Me-3

Rule #9 Love God and go to Sunday school regularly.

I’m not aware of Walt frequenting Sunday school, but I think he believes in God—he better, with the chances he takes.

Look, I’ve got nothing against God, and I was raised a Methodist. Our highest sacrament was the bake sale. I figure somebody’s got to be responsible for the charmed life I’ve lead, and it ain’t me—but I’ll give this one to the sheriff.

Walt-7, Me-3

Rule #10 Always respect our flag and our country.

Walt is a Marine (I was corrected on this just this week when I said that Walt was a Marine--and told that once you’re a Marine you’re always a Marine, just inactive). Walt’s a sworn official and spends a lot more time around the accoutrement of power.

I feel like I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but if the next guy was Walt… Okay, I’ll give that one up, too.

Final Total: Walt-8, Me-3

Hmm… I guess my feelings of inadequacy are well-founded.

Best,

Craig

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Craig Johnson, Kindness Goes Unpunished, Sherriff Walt Longmire, western, Penguin Books, books