This Day in Histor-Bloggery by Michael A. Stusser:

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I wanna thank Penguin for letting me blog wildly this week, and, as a reward for clicking along with me each and every day, I’d like to give readers that interview with Henry VIIIth I promised. Beyond hype for my book, The Dead Guy Interviews, there’s actually some historical significance here: On this day in 1539, the cantankerous King became engaged to wife #4 Anna of Kleef. Funny thing was, he wouldn’t actually meet the German princess until January of the next year, and remained married to her for only three months. She was, quite frankly, uglier than advertised (not that Henry was any prize at this point in the game, believe me…). And given that the whole thing was for political reasons, after 90 some-odd days, Henry had had enough. So as not to upset the German alliance, the King made Anne his honorary “sister” – and put her up in fine style for the rest of her days. Better than a be-heading, indeed…

Henry VIII

1491-1547

Henry VIII became King of England in 1509 at the age of 17 after his dad, Henry VII (obviously), died of tuberculosis. The second monarch of the Tudor dynasty, Henry is known less for playing a mean harp than his six marriages, creating the independent Church of England (the other church wasn’t big on divorce), and uniting England and Wales (and irritating speakers of Welsh ever since).

Unable to sire an heir with Catherine of Aragon (though it may have been a good political alliance with Spain, marrying his brother’s widow was bad form), the King tried for years to divorce her, threatening several Cardinals along the way. Supported by the Emperor, the Pope would have none of the King’s nonsense. Undeterred, he broke free of the Catholic Church and privately married Anne Boleyn in 1533, enacting a law a year later that made his marriage to Catherine invalid – and Henry head of the Church of England.

Like most Kings, Henry liked to show his might through war, and, in 1512, he invaded France, winning the Battle of Spurs. Unlike most kings, Henry actually joined the army and took part in dozens of battles.

1536 was a big year: Downgraded from Queen to Dowager Princess of Wales, Catherine died of cancer, and poor Anne Boleyn was executed for infidelity. Not much for mourning, Henry married Jane Seymour. Though Jane died soon thereafter, she gave the King a son, and future heir (Edward VI).

Henry married a fourth time – again for political purposes – this time to Anne of Cleves, to grab the Protestant interest in Germany. In fact, he hated Annie’s mug, and got hitched only on the condition he could divorce her soon thereafter. There were two more wives, both Catherines…one who suffered the same fate as Boleyn, and the last, Catherine Parr, who actually outlived the old goat. In fact, this final wife has the special distinction of being the most married queen of England, taking four husbands in her lifetime.

Contrary to public opinion, for most his life, Henry was a good-looking, athletic chap, admired for his smarts and courteous nature. Injured in a jousting accident in 1536, he was unable to exercise, and Henry got fat – real fat. His mood changed, and the last decade was a scary one for the King’s friends and enemies alike. An irrational temper and insomnia made him the miserable despot history now remembers.

Henry died on January 28, 1547 (a combo-platter of nasty leg infections and syphilis, if you must know). In a sick side note, his coffin overturned on the way to Windsor, and sentries found dogs licking his remains the next day. He’s was buried in St. George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle, next to his wife - Jane Seymour.

MS: Your Majesty, let’s go through your wives, shall we?

HVIII: Good a place as any to begin, dear boy. That is if you’ve got the bloody time for it…

MS: "Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived."

HVIII: If mnemonics help to remember my fame. But just so you know, I never divorced any of them. Had the things annulled, don’t you know.

MS: First off, Catherine of Aragon.

HVIII: Right-e-oh! Lovely gal, good head on her shoulders.

MS: And your brother, Prince Arthur’s wife before he died.

HVIII: Right as rain. The poor bloke got an infection and keeled. He was only 15 for God sakes. I knew if I married her, it would give us a strong alliance with Spain, and make France cool her aggressive heels for a bit.

MS: Marrying for political reasons kind of runs in the family.

HVIII: Rightio. My pop was no dummy. Mumsy (Elizabeth) was not only a catch, but the sister of Edward V. I only wish it had worked out with Cat as well as it had for my dear old mum and daddy.

MS: What was the problem?

HVIII: Well, her father (King Ferdinand II) was a horse’s arse, for one. Wanted to control me and England through his daughter, and I’d have none of it.

MS: Anything else?

HVIII: I needed a male heir, quite obviously. And it wasn’t for lack of trying, god bless her – we were married twenty blooming years. In fact, she was pregnant seven times, but only (Princess) Mary survived.

MS: So you ventured out.

HVIII: Jolly right! I was a King, mate! King needs a boy to follow up, carry on and all that!

MS: Your mistresses included Mary Boleyn and Elizabeth Blount.

HVIII: I don’t bloody remember.

MS: Do you remember Mary Boleyn’s sister?

HVIII: I’m not a crackpot, chum, so don’t treat me like one. Anne and I got flippin’ married – that’s not something you forget.

MS: But you were already married.

HVIII: To a barren wench!

MS: So you requested Pope Clement VII allow you to marry another woman.

HVIII: Aw, I fancy we tried pretty much everything: annulment, legal challenges, secret commissions and dispensations. Today I’d go to Mexico and it would be over in ten bloody minutes.

MS: You married Anne Boleyn in 1533.

HVIII: Brilliant day for a wedding, everyone had a fine time!

MS: Except Sir Thomas More.

HVIII: Wanker should have kept his mouth shut, and he’d being having high tea with the Queen as we speak.

MS: You had him beheaded in 1535 for refusing to acknowledge your union to Anne, and for stating that the Pope was still head of the Church.

HVIII: Bout sums it up. We changed a few laws after that, made it high treason to refuse to acknowledge me as, let’s see, “the only Supreme Head in Earth of the Church of England” I think we put it.

MS: Pope must have loved that.

HVIII: Ya know what hurt the chap worse than the title? That we stopped sending him money.

MS: Anne was an attendant of Queen Catherine. It’s actually been said that she suffered as a victim of 16th Century harassment.

HVIII: That’s malarkey! I charmed the pants off her, but she was a willing participant, lad.

MS: Your romance didn’t last long.

HVIII: Oh, it was amicable enough with the missus. Just decided to go our own ways, actually.

MS: You had her arrested on charges of incest, extramarital affairs – four of them in fact –

HVIII: Five.

MS: Battery, attempted murder, and using witchcraft to trap you into the marriage in the first place.

HVIII: Well that was uncalled for.

MS: Guilty on all charges – what a surprise – she, and the five men, were beheaded.

HVIII: Damn shame, too. Darlin’ gal could have hung, if she’d liked.

MS: A few days later you married Jane Seymour.

HVIII: Finally got my son! Smashing!

MS: Jane gave birth to Prince Edward in 1537, and she died two weeks after.

HVIII: And I got my son!

MS: Touching. Even after Queen Jane, you married again.

HVIII: Yeah, well Prince Eddie – God Bless him - wasn’t such a healthy bloke, so I wanted a back up, if ya get my meaning. Someone who might succeed him if things got rough.

MS: Meeting your next wife may have been the first royal blind date in history.

HVIII: And hopefully the last, mate. It was Thomas Cromwell who suggested I engage with Anne, the sister of the Protestant Duke of Cleves – sort of a safety plan in case the Roman Catholics decided to attack, see? In order to get an early look at her, my boy Hans Holbein painted this portrait, but he seems to have fudged the reality of the thing, don’t you know. Bloomin’ missed the mark by a mile.

MS: When Anne arrived, you were less than thrilled.

HVIII: It’s not that I’m so bloody picky, but she had a mug that would make hounds howl, I tell you. When she was born, they slapped her mum! I mean, really. I called her a Flanders Mare, and that was a compliment.

MS: But you married her on January 6, 1540.

HVIII: I fancy so, but we’d already had papers drawn up to annul the thing in a hurry. Anne didn’t mind really. She got to be called “The King’s Sister,” and we gave her Hever Castle.

MS: Who was next?

HVIII: Lord, let me think. Catherine, Anne, then there was Jane, then…Oh! Right! Catherine Howard. Lovely dish.

MS: Anne Boleyn’s first cousin.

HVIII: Great genes in that family.

MS: You waited all of twenty days to marry her. Still, there was a problem.

HVIII: Well she cheated on me. Hurt my feelings. Hurt my pride, mate.

MS: Executed?

HVIII: First we annulled the marriage, then we lopped her. Poor love was only eighteen, too.

MS: Perhaps it’s a technicality, but if the marriage was annulled, she couldn’t technically have been guilty of adultery.

HVIII: Hurt my bloody feelings, mate! Heart-broken I tell you, and I think that’s quite enough! She needed to bugger off!

MS: Who’s next?

HVIII: Well we’ve got to the end, now haven’t we? I married Catherine Parr in 1543.

MS: From an eighteen year old to a wealthy widow. You really ran the gamut.

HVIII: Love conquers all.

MS: You almost had her beheaded.

HVIII: Oh, right. Well, we argued about religion – she was a radical Protestant. But in the end, this ball and chain let me be a Catholic, and kept her pretty mouth shut. And she was more a nurse to me at that point than a wife. I was bloody old.

MS: Shockingly, in between all these marriages, you actually enacted some important piece of legislation during your reign. What are you most proud of?

HVIII: The Acts of Union (1536-1543), making Wales and ourselves one nation was spot on. I also fancied anything that severed the ties with the Roman Catholics – that’s thumbs up in my book.

MS: You had a thing against the Roman Catholic Church.

HVIII: It wasn’t so much that I had a thing against them, as I had needs of me own. It’s simply easier to make yourself the Head of the Church (of England), than to have to go through all those blasted cardinals….

MS: Seemed a bit more personal than that.

HVIII: Perhaps you know something I don’t?

MS: You sanctioned the destruction of the shrines to Roman Catholic Saints in 1538, and a year later dissolved all the monasteries and transferred the land to you.

HVIII: We had some cash flow problems, and it was simply time to split from Rome.

The King begins to glance at one of the female researchers in the room.

HVIII: Tell me, who’s the lovely lass you came her with?

MS: My assistant, Vanessa.

HVIII: Perhaps she and I…

MS: Perhaps we could discuss the Witchcraft Act (1542) – which put anyone to death who invoked or conjured an evil spirit. Did that have anything to do with the women in your life?

HVIII: Let’s just say it was a pre-emptive strike.

MS: Given your ego, you’ve probably seen some of the films and movies of your life.

HVIII: Shakespeare’s play was accurate. (Henry VIII: All is True.)

MS: That’s the one that was playing the night the Globe Theatre burned down. (June 29, 1613)

HVIII: I didn’t say I liked it. Also, Richard Burton seems to have had a fair understanding of my struggles with wives. (Burton was nominated for an Academy Award for Anne of the Thousand Days, 1969.)

The figure of a woman glides through the room and causes the temperature to plummet.

MS: My God! Who the hell is that!

HVIII: Oh, it’s the ghost of Anne. She follows me every bloody place I go.

MS: How do you know it’s her?

HVIII: She keeps saying, “The executioner was very good,” and “I have a little neck.”

MS: Guess it serves you right, huh?

HVIII: If I could just get her to sit still, I might be able to put her in a …

MS: She’s a ghost, Henry. This time, you’re stuck with her.

END of INTERVIEW

Keep checking in for more bloggery, and feel free to shoot me an e-mail if you’d like to be kept up-to-date on my wanderings, ramblings and visitations. And thanks again for your time.

Peace,

Michael A. Stusser

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