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I never want to be pregnant again. I already have a child. This just happens to be the year he's decided to go live with his dad. The year he's decided to do this, all my friends are getting knocked up, instead of helping me pound back shots of tequila in downtown clubs.

It started with my friend E. She called me one day and said, "I have some news for you!" I already knew what it was. She had been married a year. And the law of deduction states that when someone who's been recently married says they have news, it means they're pregnant.

"You're pregnant?" I said.

"Shut up! How did you know?"

"Lucky guess," I said.

I was happy for her.

A few days later, my friend E2 and her husband were out to dinner with me and my husband. It's what Dave Chapelle calls a "neutered date."

"We have news!" they said.

"Congratulations!" I said. "You're pregnant?"

A few days after that, I went to a local farm with my friend Z. We were watching my friend Z's toddler play with a sand truck, while a punk rock chicken strut her stuff. That's when my friend Z. said, "I'm pregnant."

At this point, I was going to explode.

I dropped my friend off at her house and she insisted I keep her son's car seat in my car. I drove off, and now, every time I look back to check my blind spot, the empty child seat greets me.

I pulled over the side of the road the other day and tried to unleash it from the car and stuff it in the backseat. I didn't need any more reminders of how all my friends are embracing parenthood the year I've become a lot less of a parent.

I couldn't unhook the safety belts, so I stopped.

Just this past weekend, M., one of my last remaining childless friends, rode with me to a bookstore. When we got out, she asked, "why do you have a car seat."

"Why do you think?" I said. "I'm pregnant." Just to tease her.

Her face panicked.

"Just kidding."

And we traipsed into the bookstore and spent money on whatever we wanted, instead of on diapers, teething rings, and onesies.

And in approximately 9 months, when my friends call me at 7:30 AM asking if I want to hang out, I'll laugh a loud, happy, triumphant laugh, and go back to sleep until 2PM.