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I normally get hundreds of letter per week from both men and women. I make this promise to answer every one, at least briefly.

Alas, I usually get so interested I want to fully explain how to solve these problems. The science is just so exciting because it makes things so clear for us. I'll stop and go to sleep soon, but first, I just got one of those letters from you that really illustrates an amazing point about codependence.

 

Codependence is something very often written about over the past few decades, and even identified by some authors as being directly related to having poor boundaries. Yet one of the fascinating things I hope you discover in The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, (and the free starter lessons that will be sent to you automatically by visiting www.drpauldobransky.com) is that you can literally learn to "see" the personal boundaries of other people.

 

I establish in the book that no man (nor woman for that matter) can ever truly commit to another person without first having built mature boundaries. You can literally see how they work in the diagrams of the book, and there is no other work of literature or academic publishing which details their anatomy by using pictures (so it is patent-pending.)

 

A personal boundary is much like a shield around your psychology. It protects you from stress, and lets you know where your CONTROL and responsibility in life are, as opposed to what in life you do NOT control or have responsibility for. When we have what I coined as "holes in the boundary," you lack distinction between what you control and what you don't, as well as having trouble saying and hearing the word "no" with others.

 

This is the very problem in codependence, because codependent people have trouble saying NO to each other, and hearing it with grace. They also have trouble with being "controlling" toward each other, guilt-tripping each other and being generally manipulative.

 

Ultimately it feels like they need a kind of parenting from each other, which is exhausting and cannot be sustained. Then someday, after much drama, a breakup usually occurs, or at least a stale, passionless, conflict-ridden marriage is slogged through for years.

 

What's strange about codependence is that the couple feels desperate for each other and yet at the same time knows on some level they are not right for each other. What's worse is that they can truly feel LOVE and even PASSION for each other, and never be truly committed in the way mature adults enjoy.

 

The reason for this goes back to the "three brains" I told you about in the last blog. Passion, Love, and Commitment exist in three different parts of our brain, and MUST be seen as separate and distinct things if we are to have a mature and lasting romance. We all need a Lover, Friend, and Partner all wrapped in one.

 

Of special note is that when one or more of these are missing, CHEATING is also far more likely to occur. So let's look at a reader question to learn about it some more:

 

QUESTION:

 

Dr Paul... I wrote you several weeks ago regarding my boyfriend and his relationship with his ex. I know you get a lot of e mails so you may or may not remember exactly what we discussed. (He has a 15 yr old daughter with her, invests in properties together, keeps her as the beneficiary, pays her insurance...etc)

 

He has been divorced for 7 yrs and I feel his relationship with the ex is a problem in our relationship because I feel he can't move on, or.... hangs on to her for security. I'm not sure which, but he assures me our problems are our own and have nothing to do with her. (We've been together for 3 + yrs)

 

You told me that he probably lusts for me and loves me, also loves her, but can't commit to either. This makes sense to me, more than ever now that I've read your book. You also said, don't contact him, just date other people, and be careful about letting him back into your life. You said wait to read the book and then be careful about him. So... I haven't had contact with him for more than 6 wks.

 

I know this is driving him crazy because usually I'm the one who caves. But I have stayed strong and did as you suggested. One thing I noticed after reading the book is Phase 1, part 3... I never made him work for me. Meaning, when he wanted to be exclusive, which was 1-2 wks into our relationship, I agreed.

 

He has never been threatened by any other man and I purposefully made a point to do that because I didn't want him to feel threatened. He always knew I wanted him, and only him. I didn't know he needed to "WIN" me.

 

I'm still uncomfortable about his ongoing contact with his ex but I miss him and I know he misses me. We seen each other for a day or two, then it fell apart again. Should I give up on this or is it possible to let him WIN me??

 

I have made him wait for weeks at a time to see me, as much as 6 wks at a time. He seems to want to be with me even after I make him wait. The problem is, once we see each other and spend time together, I want him to be "there" for me and he wants to "disappear" again.

 

I know he has issues with commitment, but something tells me this time that since I have finally stood my ground and not let him come over and see me any time he wants, he actually wants to try harder. Is it too late to make him WORK for me?

 

This has been 3 years. I really need specifics. Do I tell him I'm dating others? Do I tell him to leave me alone? We seem to have missed this step so I want to find out if it's too late to go back and "take the step".

 

Am I fooling myself to think he will ever really step up to the plate?? It seems like some guys just can't do it, even if they have the support of the woman. I can't keep carrying this guy but dammit I LOVE him. What do I do???

 

We can't seem to make it work AND we can't seem to leave each other alone.

 

Thanks Dr. Paul for any insight you have. The book was AWESOME!!

 

Jennifer

 

ANSWER:

I think what you have realized, like many couples, is that you are missing not just one of my 9 steps of courtship, but MORE THAN ONE. Specifically, HE is not committed (and some of what you say indicates to me that you are not either, but instead, codependent), but you have also not typically given him a chance to WIN YOU OVER in the Sexual Attraction department too.

If you make yourself unavailable to him, that WILL amp up his sexual attraction to you, and raise his feelings of masculinity if he does win you back. However, you have already said that he is a non-committed person. What this would typically result in is him feeling "more like a man" if he wins you back, then transferring that new masculinity to the pursuit of other women sexually.

I know, it sounds harsh.

But take a look at your past relationships and those of your friends. Often, people report that "the weirdest thing just happened. I FINALLY gave in to him, and then he didn't want me anymore. Within a WEEK, he was already in another relationship! How can this BE?" Well, now you know. Lust (Passion), Love, and Commitment are three different things!

If you amp up a guy's Sexual Attraction for you but don't make sure he is a commitment-able person with mature boundaries, it is highly likely to happen. Getting our needs met sexually (and I don't necessarily mean through actually HAVING sex; flirting does the same thing) raises the sense of masculine or feminine power in the person, which is then more sexually attractive to the other gender, generally, and not in a way necessarily specifically tied to YOU.

Also remember - the best and most appropriate place to be getting the equivalent of therapy is in therapy itself, from a local professional, not online. So be careful not to turn email questions (which I do appreciate) into a form of therapy from me. That's not the purpose here. It's a simple question, a simple answer, and once in a great long while (to be fair to others and to me..)

That being said, having good boundary skill in yourself also involves always remembering that your decisions and the outcome of your relationships are your responsibility. I really appreciate your trust in me and my knowledge level, but it is a good check on yourself and your boundary to consider if you ever give too much power of decision away to others (including me)...the reason I say that is I read my own feelings when I get a letter, and the feeling of being sort of asked or given the responsibility for making a decision FOR you did come up for me.

I'm on the mark aren't I?

When there is an "irresistible" tendency in any of us toward something, it has the feel of an addictiveness or an actual addiction. You know when they say "addicted to love?" It's pretty accurate scientifically, as if we were talking about a substance abuse situation. The reason is that the same parts of your psychology are in operation: some holes in the boundary plus anxiety trouble.

When we were children we felt a thing at times when our parents went away, called Separation Anxiety. When people have some big holes in their boundary for others into adult life, the same type of anxiety is hanging around and that is the essence of what has been called "codependence." So what I am getting at is this: I thank you for enjoying my book, and I want you to think of the general differences between the three brains, as well as how they are SEPARATE from each other in what they do.

Reptilian Brain = Passion = Lust = Desire...the irresistible part about romance.

Mammalian Brain = Love = Self-esteem = Friendship, the pleasant emotions (anxiety-relieving too), but not as impulsive and extreme (and irrational) as PASSION

Higher Brain = Commitment = good boundary function = Partnership and stability, with no need for fighting. I think you are confusing Love, Lust(Passion), and Commitment. You have already said he is not very committed (and this is evidenced by him wanting to go away again as soon as you are together. )

So, what are you thinking?

When I suggested that you are leaving out the challenging-the-man part of my system, where a man must win you over - yes you can tune that up. You can reel in a man outside of logic or his own personal decision-making process (which gives the illusion of controlling a man) because it takes his conscious decision-making off-line. So he is sexually attracted (and so are you) against his will.

SEXUAL ATTRACTION is not a conscious choice people make. It is a REFLEX, an INSTINCT. Yet for men, Sexual Attraction is fickle and short lived because of our biology. We are hard-wired to pursue it, and NOT to pursue commitment. Ask any mature man, and he will be forced to admit that. When men commit, it is out of CHOICE, and a sense that you will be a good teammate in life. That you will not threaten his sense of freedom to have ambitions. Commitment is not a "passionate" desire in men.

* The first three steps of my system are for Sexual Attraction ONLY, and that is NOT COMMITMENT.

* The second three steps are for Emotional Attraction, or Friendship)

* The last three steps are to secure Intellectual Attraction in COMMITMENT. If you go two paragraphs back, I feel a pull in you toward a wantinghimneedinghimneedtohavehim sort of things, which is the same as "wishing to control him." And that is therefore a boundary problem of your own.

So you see, from what you give me to work with (I cannot know for sure it is right because as I said, there is no substitute for live, in person, local therapy from a professional) it appears you BOTH may have some matching difficulties with your boundaries. In other words, codependence.

From my system you can see how two people can feel PASSION, and even feel LOVE too, and STILL not have committment to each other (e.g. poor boundaries and codependence)....

This is how painful, anxiety ridden, or even passionately painful it is to break up a codependent relationship. The couple may very well feel love, and feel sexual toward each other, and yet it is not a good match. Neither are really ready for commitment, and certainly aren't situated to take on the responsibility of raising mentally healthy children.

One can help a man and woman get better with their boundaries, but that is usually the job of a parent or therapist or mentor, not a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is heavy and patient, longsuffering hard WORK, not the kind of thing that makes a couple's life better. Children are difficult enough to raise without having to raise the parent of children you have with that "parent."

I suspect from what you say, that when he feels "close to you" or good about you when you reunite, it may be all he wants - distance form commitment, maybe even distance emotionally, but with the sex still there. The equivalent of "friends with benefits." Not healthy without major private (independent of you or your wish to control) psychological work on his part. And maybe something for you to explore in therapy too.

Passion does NOT equal LOVE, and neither of these two equal COMMITMENT. In the end you want all three in one man and have to decide what man is likely to have an easy time with you being all three.

If you give up your need to control or have him, or "make things work," you'll ironically notice that he is either free to decide all on his own to commit to you without you controlling, or else you are free to move on.

Don't confuse desire or passion with love and or commitment. These passions, love, and commitments are three separate things. Challenging a man to WIN you makes him SEXUALLY attracted only. It cannot MAKE any man commit.

Committing is a free choice by both the man and the woman within their OWN BOUNDARIES. Never can it be forced or controlled. It's lack can only be waited for over a looooong time as a parent waits for a child to mature, or it can be walked away from.

Relationships are always VOLUNTARY, even if someone says "I love you" and even after you have signed a Marriage License. The reason is that personal boundaries never go away. Even in coupledom we have a right to some privacy, our personal opinions, feelings, tastes, preferences and self-determination.

Nowhere in here do I take command or responsibility for your decisions. It is all food for thought for you to make your OWN decisions with - a start on having great boundary skill of your own. We take on questions that seem difficult at www.doctorpaul.net for men, and www.womenshappiness.com for women in the free newsletters there. It's my way of having conversations with you about this stuff, and as I always say, THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM.

Yours will involve realizing that you have a right to CHOOSE to go after the best man for you, but will never control or "own" a man completely. The more you let go the more freedom you find to commit to a true, mature, voluntary relationship where the man is a lover, friend, and partner all wrapped in one. It may be this guy, but not until he does a lot of personal work on his boundary, independent of you. I suspect you already know in your heart of hearts whether this will work out.

This self-knowledge doesn't come from the passions of the loins, but from your "Higher Brain," which has your sense of INTUITION about what feels right and stable for you.

Dr. Paul

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Paul Dobransky, Dr. Paul Dobransky, The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, Penguin Books, relationship advice, love, social psychology, books