A guidebook to seducing, satisfying, and loving the only man you’ll ever need
In an act of generosity, Adrian Colesberry has written an exquisitely detailed guidebook to ensure that every reader knows precisely how to please him—in bed and beyond. Brimming with self-indulgent and incredibly bawdy humor, How to Make Love to Adrian Colesberry is a sexual memoir disguised as a manual on Colesberry’s pet peeves, favorite positions, and surefire ways to turn on your man (aka Adrian Colesberry).
Recounting dozens of annoying peccadilloes and helpful pro tips gleaned from his experiences with former lovers, Colesberry covers all corners to ensure that no stage of the court-and-conquer process is overlooked. Beginning with how to attract Colesberry, he later progresses to foreplay and finally the full monty, revealing his own erratic, often unerotic sexual history along the way. From his awkwardly celibate teenage years to the emotional scars inflicted by his domineering ex-wife, Colesberry muses on bondage, three-ways, toys, bi-curiosity, and other kinks.
A pitch-perfect parody that spares no detail, How to Make Love to Adrian Colesberry is a hilarious and filthy new entrant into the fratire genre.
Disclaimer: Please be advised that these videos contain adult content.
Disclaimer: Please be advised that this excerpt contains adult content.
A Note to the Reader
Adrian’s testicles are very sensitive.
If he could magically have you know one single thing
about him before your clothes came off, that would be it. He’s not
freakishly hyperconcerned with the sensitivity of his testicles. Not
at all. It’s just that in the past, they’ve caused him some discomfort,
which he’d like to avoid in the future if he could manage it.
“Easy enough,” the plainspoken reader might be thinking. “Adrian should say, ‘Before I take my pants off, I want you to know
that my testicles are very sensitive.’ ”
Sounds simple. Maybe this fresh breath of honesty would inspire
something like the following exchange:
You: Sensitive? Well, thanks for telling me.
Adrian: Sure thing.
You: So, kissing but no squeezing?
Adrian: Right.
You: While we’re talking . . . my nipples are sensitive too.
Adrian: Let me guess . . . sucking and licking but no
pinching?
You: Why, yes. You really understand me.
Adrian: And you understand me.
You: Now that we’ve had this refreshingly honest conversation,
I’m hotter than ever for you.
Adrian: Likewise.
On the other hand, you might come back with, “Testicles?
What made you think I was going to touch your testicles in the
first place?!” Way too risky for Adrian Colesberry
.
But what if you didn’t have to learn about his testicles in the
context of an awkward and potentially mood-wrecking conversation?
What if there existed some reliable source, like a book, where
you could read, as a matter of indifferent fact, that Adrian Colesberry’s
testicles were very sensitive? Then your knowledge of how
to handle them properly would be just another skill set in your
possession, like long division or changing a tire.
Luckily, such a reliable source does exist! It’s How to Make
Love to Adrian Colesberry (by Adrian Colesberry). And in addition
to informing you that Adrian Colesberry’s testicles are very
sensitive, it’s chock full of helpful examples of how to make love to
Adrian Colesberry gathered from the real-life and mostly positive
experiences of people—people just like you—making love to
Adrian Colesberry.
Chapter 1: Am I Right for Adrian Colesberry?
It breaks Adrian’s heart when he thinks of the lost opportunities
caused by people failing to mention that they’d like to make
love to him.
Not that he’s incapable of expressing his own desires. Far from
it. Here’s the problem: Adrian would like to have sex with practically
everyone. Within five seconds of setting eyes on a woman,
not only has the thought, “I’d fuck her!” run through his mind
but in addition he’s most likely sketched out several entertaining
and mutually pleasurable sexual activities they could engage in
together. You’ll agree that it would occupy an unreasonable portion
of his day to go around sharing these thoughts with every
other person he ran into.
Some readers might be thinking, “Sounds nice, but Adrian
wouldn’t want to fuck me.” Don’t do that to yourself; Adrian’s sexual
interests are remarkably broad. Extensive research into his
sexual history shows no patterns, proclivities, or standards. To illustrate
this, Adrian’s historical sexual partners are analyzed in
six areas where some men can be quite picky in their sexual preferences:
body style, ethnicity, experience, breast size, grooming,
and hygiene.
Body Style
Here are hard numbers regarding the body styles of the eleven
women Adrian Colesberry has slept with.
Adrian 165 5' 10" 23.7
Mean 127.8 5' 4 1/4" 21.8
Median 122.5 5' 4 1/2" 20.8
High 170.0 5' 7" 28.3
Low 98.0 4' 10" 18.8
Standard Deviation 19.97 2 1/2" 3.03
For those readers with a mathematical background, you can
all too clearly perceive from above Adrian’s generous breadth
of taste in body types. For those who require a more visual presentation,
see the chart on page 3. If Adrian obeys statistical norms,
68.3 percent of his women will fall within the interior-most,
“bull’s-eye” section; 95.5 percent will fall within that and the surrounding
unshaded section; and 99.7 percent will fall somewhere
on the graph, just not in the black.
Each of Adrian’s lovers and Adrian himself has been called
out on the graph. (He’s the bold-outlined square punching in at
5'10", 165 lbs.) Take a pen and draw yourself in. Even if your body
doesn’t land inside Adrian’s “bull’s-eye,” don’t fret. Look at those
outliers: the 4'10", 100 lb. lady or the girl punching in at 5'7", 170.
His libido has a significant weight and height range.
Ethnicity
Being himself a mixture of 62.5 percent German, 12.5 percent
Italian, and 25 percent Southern White Trash, you might assume
that Adrian would shy away from people of a less mongrel pedigree,
but not at all. Five of the eleven women in his life have been
of a sole lineage (one each of 100 percent Irish, Mexican, Jewish,
Vietnamese, and Southern White Trash), with the remaining six
of mixed origin. The chart on page 4 breaks down Adrian’s historical
ethnic experience.
The chart seems to indicate a preference for Southern White
Trash and Mexicans, but this is more properly seen as an artifact
of his upbringing in a Southern border state. Upon moving to an
urban center on the West Coast, he folded in the Italian, Irish,
Jewish, and Vietnamese in his new environment. Adrian fucks
what he sees.
Experience
Adrian Colesberry has slept with eleven women in his life. If you
have slept with fewer people, perhaps you worry that you’re not
experienced enough for him; if you have slept with more, perhaps
you worry that he will think of you as some kind of whore.
Regarding inexperience, Adrian doesn’t expect you to possess
a mastery of sexual technique that could gain you profitable and
enduring employment in a house of prostitution. Although if you
do have some brothel-worthy skills, certainly do not omit them.
Keep in mind that Adrian isn’t exactly one to be judgmental
in this area. There are many women who would find him inexperienced. He will only ever expect of you what he demands of himself:
enthusiasm and attention.
If you’re worried about being too experienced, relax. While
Adrian doesn’t want to hear that you’re fucking five other people
at the time so will have to pencil him in on Thursdays between
two and five, neither should it worry you if you somehow disclose
the number of people you’ve been with in the past. He’ll assume
that you’re the winner in this category unless you tell him otherwise.
And as for his thinking of you as some kind of whore, that’s
nothing but a good thing when properly applied, so keep it in your
pocket for later.
Breast Size
Some men are particular in the area of breast size, but you needn’t
be concerned in this regard with Adrian Colesberry. He has experienced
a wide range of breast sizes and enjoyed them all: A-cups
account for 18 percent of his lovers, B-cups for 46 percent, and Dcups
for 36 percent.
The C-cup-sized reader might note with alarm Adrian’s lack
of exposure to her specific breast size. True enough, he has no
practical experience, but as seen already, all evidence points to
him being adaptable. If he finds himself wandering about on the
unfamiliar surface of a C-cup-sized breast, he will most likely
survive by averaging the handling styles he has employed on
D-cup- and B-cup-sized breasts.
Adrian Colesberry the Joiner
On first hearing the classic rhetorical question, “If somebody
jumps off a cliff, would you jump after them?” neither the answer
nor the intended life lesson was immediately apparent to
Baby Adrian. From the questioner’s tone of voice, he understood
that he was supposed to enthusiastically respond in the negative,
but in his heart, he had too many questions to embrace the expected
answer.
How high is this so-called cliff? Is there a ledge that the jumper
could cling on to? And what about the landing? Is it paved with
pointy rocks, or is it a hillock of marshmallow pies that would
cushion the longest fall like a sugary down pillow?
For obvious reasons, Adrian’s parents endlessly worried that
their son was too easily influenced by others. They were right, he
was. But Adrian had a more positive slant on it. Instead of seeing
himself as an alarmingly blank slate upon which anyone and
everyone
was invited to write, he saw himself as an adventurous
joiner, as a radical democrat in his sources of inspiration.
Grooming
Traveling due south of the breast-size obstacle, the anxious reader
might wonder, “Will Adrian like the way I shave (or don’t shave)
my lady parts?” Until recently, he held no preference one way or
the other due to an insufficient sample size. But with his last six
lovers Adrian has, purely by hazard, made love to an even sampling
of the possible shaving styles: One-third of his recent lovers
have been natural, one-third have only neatened their pubic hair
without shaving, one-third have shaved themselves entirely clean
and, the most important statistic, 100 percent of these six women
have been able to make love to Adrian Colesberry. Bottom line
on grooming, then, is this: Shave your box or don’t shave your box
or neaten it up or leave it natural as you will. Adrian will adapt
and he might even join you.
Smell
Adrian found out early in his career that he vastly preferred a
woman’s natural smell to that of any soap or perfume. In particular,
he’ll be interested in smelling your dirty hair.
Recall that Napoleon asked Josephine to avoid the bath for
two weeks before his return from campaign to court—so he could
smell “her essence.” That’s all Adrian wants to do. Smell your essence.
He’s not a professional wine taster searching your scalp for
overtones of maple syrup or nutmeg. He’s not looking for any particular
smell at all, just wants to learn your smell. You wouldn’t
wear a veil over your face when going out with Adrian Colesberry
(unless you would, you kinky veil-faced lady), so don’t hide your
smell, either.
All the same, don’t go as far as Josephine. Adrian doesn’t want
to fight through a cloud of funk or lick a crust of dirt off your
body. He hasn’t completely shaken off his culture’s repulsion for
natural odor; he just wants to take a half step back from it.
Genes
Adrian’s father (by the gentleman’s own admission) is “the
biggest clean freak in the world.” This might concern you about
his son’s abilities as a lover—sex being an activity where clean-freakishness
puts you at a disadvantage. But the trait apparently
doesn’t pass in the genes. Unlike any anticipatable version of his
father’s son, Adrian enjoys in particular the earthy aspects of
sex.
Tip: If you want Adrian to love you, let him smell you.
You. Not your favorite perfume or shampoo or shower
gel or, worst of all, douche. You. You know the smell that
soap ads say is bad? That smell.
Your Ugliest Part
Despite all of these reassurances about Adrian Colesberry’s
breadth of taste in body style, breast size, ethnicity, grooming
habits, and personal smell, you will still, most likely, enter the relationship
shouldering one or two insecurities. Know this: Adrian
will make it his hobby, nay, his obsession to take these off your
back. If you’re thinking, “Oh, how kind.” Not at all. He does it
more for himself than for you.
According to Adrian’s logic, every insecurity you have about
your body takes items off the menu of lovemaking. You think
your ass is too big—lose the left half of the menu. Don’t like your
breasts, lose the back of the menu. You
think you’re not sexy, period—there’s
no menu at all; he just sits there sucking
the mint flavor out of a toothpick.
Adrian doesn’t want any part of that.
He wants you to be a full-on deli menu
with breakfast served all day long.
The way he’s worked things out—
he will determine which part of your
body you think is the least attractive,
the most awkward, the part that embarrasses
you, then he will target that
part for special attention. This will
communicate to your brain, “Adrian
thinks my body is sexy, faults and all.”
The confused reader may be thinking, “I thought that fucking
me was enough to tell me that my body was sexy.” No, fucking
won’t cut it. Straightforward sex says, “I like touching your boobs.
I like fucking your snatch. I like it when you suck my cock.” How
not-at-all special.
Adrian can’t imagine a snatch he wouldn’t like to fuck. He’d
enjoy touching most boobs, and everyone can suck his cock. If you
count those activities as your only evidence that he wants to make
love to you, you don’t know whether he wants you at all. But when
he makes love to your ugliest part, you will know for sure that it’s
you he wants to fuck. Take a moment to circle your ugliest part on
the previous diagram. (You’ll find already marked there the parts
that Adrian thinks are his ugliest, in case you ever want to do anything
about that.)
How Cute Do You Want to Be?
Maybe you’re thinking, “It’s nice and all that Adrian casts a wide
net in his ability to love different types of women, but I want him
to think that I personally am cute. Just me. Not a million other
people too!” Here’s where things get simple. Once you’re fucking
Adrian Colesberry the very thing that makes you cute to Adrian
Colesberry is fucking Adrian Colesberry.
Apparently, some men work in the opposite way: They think
a woman is desirable until they fuck her a few times, then not so
much. It’s like their cock is an eraser, fading the beauty they once
saw. Adrian’s cock works like a paintbrush that makes you more
beautiful with every stroke.
Tip: If you want to get cuter to Adrian Colesberry, fuck
him more. It’s up to you. How cute do you want to be?
Summary
Making love to Adrian Colesberry does not run through his penis.
Adrian finds a girl who interests him and tells his penis to figure
things out on the sex side. His penis has been performing this service
reliably for years; relax in the knowledge that it will perform
this service for you.
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