LAUGH YOURSELF SKINNY

I know that 99.9 percent of weight loss programs start with a food plan, but remember— you are blazing a new trail. Let's start with laughter!

 
HUMOR AND LAUGHTER
"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on."—Bob Newhart

Is there anything more delicious than a sidesplitting, hearty belly laugh—complete with tears running down your cheeks? Certainly not! I love to laugh and to smile.

Humor and laughter can help to . . .

• activate the will to live


• lower stress


• elevate mood


• improve brain functioning


• reduce risk of heart disease, strokes, arthritis, and ulcers


• dissolve anger


• burn calories


• exercise muscles

That's right–not only is laughter the best medicine, it gives your diaphragm, abdominal, respiratory, facial, leg, and back muscles a fabulous workout. In fact, a good, hearty laugh burns more calories than several minutes on a rowing machine or exercise bike; and it causes a domino effect of joyous proportions.

Once one sugar cube of joy is set into motion, a number of positive physical effects take place. And without humor, your thought processes are likely to get Krazy Glued to some narrowly focused corner of your brain, leading to increased distress and weight gain.

Laughing at ourselves helps to shed light on our dietary transgressions, proving them not to be the derailing events that we think they are. Humor changes the ways we think and offers a lighter perspective. (Remember, we want to "lighten up" any way we can.)

OUR LADY OF LUMINOUS LAUGHTER'S TOP TEN TIPS GUARANTEED TO ACTIVATE YOUR HUMOR GENE

1. Look for the everyday humor. There are all kinds of absurd, silly things going on around you all day long. A friend recently reported seeing a sign outside a local church: "Don't let worries kill you. Let the church help." (Come on—that's funny, and it was right there in front of her!)
2. Invest in a joke book. Weave one–liners into your conversation. "I'm not gaining weight; I'm retaining food!"
3. Get yourself a funny friend or two. Or better yet, do as my husband did (lucky man) and find yourself a funny partner.
4. Trade in coffee breaks (or cigarette breaks for sure) for humor breaks. Tell your boss that in lieu of smoking, you're cultivating your funny side and will henceforth be taking a humor break twice daily. I'm sure he or she will find that very amusing!
5. New rule: If you hear it—write it. If someone says something funny, write it down.
   You can use it later on someone else!

6. Put a Post–It on your refrigerator, your computer, and your bathroom mirror. "Have fun." It may take a few weeks before it becomes a habit.

7. No late–night sadness.Do not under any circumstances watch the news or read the newspaper or partake in anything that makes you feel sad or unhappy late at night. It's a sure buzz kill. Sweet dreams require sweet thoughts.

8. Fake It Till You Make It. Smile and laugh even if you're feeling miserable. Your brain will pick up on the smile cue and feel better.

9. Play the HA Game. There are two ways to play the HA game. You need at least five people, but fifteen is better.

   Here's how you play! All players sit on the floor in a circle. The first person starts the game by looking into the eyes of the person to the left of him/her and saying "ha." That person, in turn, says "ha, ha" to the person to his/her left, and it continues on like this, adding a "ha" with each person.

   The trick is that you have to do it without laughing or smiling and you must maintain eye contact. And if you make it through one round, you just go on to the next round. It's difficult enough not to laugh, much less keep track of how many "has" you are up to! The last person remaining wins!

   Want more intimacy? The more intimate way of playing HA is to have the first player lie on the floor on his or her back. The next person lies perpendicular to him or her with his or her head on the first person's stomach. And so on and so on until you have a chain of people lying on the floor. Then the game is pretty much the same, except you are just playing for the Has—the belly laughs from having your head jump up and down. You can't help but create a chain of people cracking up. (No eye contact necessary.)

10. Hey U.G.L.Y. (Unique Gifted Lovable You), a not–for–profit organization dedicated to building teenagers' self–esteem, has a laughter CD for sale on its Web site. It's a steal and a scream. Caution: For starters, listen for one minute, then build to a total of ten minutes per day. Wouldn't want you to laugh too much! Visit www.heyugly.org.

 
UGLY—Unique Gifted Lovable You (whether you are a teenager or not)nothing unpretty about you!

 
HUMOR GENE—Believe it or not, something we are all born with. Uncover it, cultivate it, use it, enjoy it or lose it!

 
* NEW POINT OF VIEW

I approach Permanent Fat Removal with a chuckle, laugh, or smile. I am feeding myself and filling up on laughter. *

 
FORGIVENESS: A KEY INGREDIENT TO PERMANENT FAT REMOVAL

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."—Lewis B. Smedes

 
FORGIVENESS IS A KEY INGREDIENT TO PERMANENT FAT REMOVAL

Many of us have been known to scoff down one piece of cake, beat ourselves up, feel rotten to the core, and then have another slice of the devil's food to soothe. Our fat cells multiply—our pants tighten—we feel even worse—yet we indulge in still another serving of forbidden food, followed by the inevitable platterful of punishment. Results? Broken zippers; broken dreams. (I confess! My zipper broke on my first date with my husband.)

In terms of Permanent Fat Removal, holding a grudge against ourselves—being unforgiving for what we perceive to be horrific dietary crimes and misdemeanors—can only impede our progress. There is absolutely no point in unleashing mammoth–sized portions of anger or the relentlessly chastising inner voice upon ourselves.

Confess your dietary sins, forgive yourself, and move on. Remember that one slice of cake does not a fat person make. Get back on the wagon NOW... laughing and smiling, if you please!

Here is a forgivercize that will help you to accept yourself with all your wondrous imperfections, as well as lighten your load.

 
FORGIVERCIZE

Do the Potato

I'd read about a teacher who asked her students to bring a clear plastic bag and a sack of potatoes to class. For every person the students refused to forgive, they were to write the person's name and the date of the upset on a potato and put it in their plastic bag. The moral of the story was that they were lugging around some pretty hefty amounts of anger that were clogging their spiritual development.

This got me to thinking. Not only am I carrying around a lot of anger at all those other people in my life who clearly haven't read the script I've written for them, but I'm also cartin' around barrelfuls of upset and anger at myself—for my dietary transgressions, lack of exercise, occasional snappishness toward my loved ones, and who knows what else.

Imagine if I dropped a potato in my proverbial plastic bag every time I was upset with myself and dragged it around with me, all day and into the night. Whoa! That's some heavy–duty, weighty bag that is robbing me of my energy, focus, and determination.

Rather than buy bushels of potatoes, I went to the supermarket and bought the biggest baking potato I could find. I baked it, and when it was done, I opened it up and wrote "Sorry" with green peas. I shared it with my husband. He wasn't sure what I was sorry for, but he was appreciative of my creative cooking.

 
SVELTE TALK

FORGIVENESS — A key ingredient to Permanent Fat Removal. You can give yourself absolution or pray to Our Lady of Weight Loss for clemency. Whatever you do, learn from your past and let yourself off the hook now.

* NEW POINT OF VIEW

I do not let one "dietary transgression" take me on a ten-year detour! All is forgiven, move on. *

My husband was following the Our Lady of Weight Loss—approved, low–fat, lowcal, lots–of–laughs lifestyle for a few months and was steadily losing weight until he hit a wall, aka the dreaded plateau. We just couldn't figure out why, because, after all, he is a man, and as we know, men burn fat faster and lose weight faster than women do—and he was laughing a lot (stop #2 on your way to Sveltesville)!

So not fair, I have to say—totally annoying. I digress ...

We were stumped until about half an hour ago. We were in the supermarket shopping together (a joyous experience, although he wrecks my Olympic speed–shopping personal best each and every time), and he was commenting, "Those ramen noodle packages are one of my favorite dinners." He enjoys boiling up a bag or two, adding all kinds of vegetables. With great pride, he added—thinking that I would be duly impressed that he was reading the labels—"each package contains only 180 calories."

I replied, without even looking at the package—because, after all, I am me and I know the calorie count of just about everything— that, yes, ramen noodles are 180 calories per serving. However, there are two servings per package, so he was eating four servings, totaling 720 calories, not two servings totaling 360 calories.

This led to a discussion about 94% fat–free popcorn. I asked, "How many calories do you think are in that bag that you ate at one A.M. last night?" He said, "A hundred calories?" as if it were a question, because his confidence in his knowledge of calories had been shaken a bit. I grabbed the box in the cart and showed him the label, and guess what—it's closer to 250 calories. Now, multiply those numbers times seven days per week and add in the other miscalculations, and it's clear (is it not?) that he didn't hit a plateau. He hit a miscommunication of mammoth calorie proportions.

While we are talking about labels, I would be remiss not to point out that calories are not the only things we should be considering. Along with checking for the absence of trans fats, please be sure to read the ingredients, and if any of the following items are among the first five, be forewarned: This product is in all likelihood not only not good for you, but quite possibly bad for you.

 
SUGAR
Sugar will produce an insulin surge that rapidly drops the blood sugar level. Within a few hours you are likely to feel hungry and tired. You will crash!

HIGH–FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP
The body processes high–fructose corn syrup differently than it does sugar, and this messes with your stopping mechanism. HFCS stops leptin, a chemical that communicates with your brain, saying "Hi there, brain. The fat has arrived. You can stop eating now."

ENRICHED WHEAT FLOUR (AKA WHITE FLOUR)
News flash: Enriched does not mean it's actually better for you. This flour has been stripped of anything that is worthwhile, and then those who have done the stripping have added a little back into it so it looks okay. Look for labels that say "100 percent whole grain" or "whole grain" flour.

SATURATED FATS
Saturated fats are found primarily in animal products, and at room temperature, they turn solid. Do you want solid fat globbing up your arteries?

HYDROGENATED OIL
Certain oils are hydrogenated in order to increase their shelf life. Again, these oils turn solid at room temperature. More solid stuff to clog, glob, and blob you up. Items that contain hydrogenated are often labeled as "trans fats." Steer clear of trans fats as well!

 
SVELTE TALK

HUSBANDS—Misguided males who annoy us with their fatburning ability and slow us down in the supermarket.

PLATEAU—A truly good, calm, and peaceful place to reevaluate strategies and rest (no longer a landing for frustration).

* NEW POINT OF VIEW

I derive great satisfaction and comfort from reading the labels. Knowledge is power. *

 
SINFUL FEELINGS

"Size matters not.... Look at me. Judge me by size, do you?" —Yoda, Star Wars

When did all the madness begin? My dear friend Janet, from North Carolina, told me that she can remember wishing on eyelashes (remember that?) when she was maybe four or five years old for a fast metabolism! Imagine, at four years old her deepest desire was for a fast metabolism. (She was an advanced child.) It was then that she started to equate food with sin, guilt, and lunacy.

THE "BAD" FEELINGS STARTED (MORE OR LESS WITH MY GRANDMOTHER)

Have you ever wondered when people started to obsess about food and weight? There was a time when no one "dieted" and nasty fat words didn't exist. Oh yeah—cavemen didn't call each other fat slobs. Those types of words weren't created until the late 1800s!

Cases of dieting were documented over one thousand years ago, such as William the Conqueror (1028–1087), who tried drinking extra wine as a substitute for food after getting so fat that he had trouble staying on his horse. But our obsession with dieting took root at the end of the nineteenth century.

 
LET THE "BAD" TIMES POLL!

In fact, the first fat–ass, corpulent words were "porky" in the 1860s, "jumbo" in the 1880s, and "butterball" in the 1890s. By the time World War I rolled around, being fat was deemed unpatriotic!

Food was plentiful, and Americans were wolfing it down with a vengeance. Health reformers declared the endless supply of meats, cakes, and pies immoral. They preached that gluttony was a gateway to sinful sexual practices (woo hoo!). In addition, they proclaimed that gluttony caused constipation and indigestion.

As Americans entered the twentieth century, interest in weight loss grew. "Experts" offered a number of surefire solutions—magic bullets flying everywhere. Somewhere between the main course and dessert, dieting became a national preoccupation. A multibillion–dollar industry was born.

It's not quite clear why dieting took hold (and hasn't let go since), but theories point to the abundance of food, the increase in sedentary jobs, public transportation, and corsets being out of vogue.

 
SVELTE TALK

METABOLISM—A mysterious bodily function steeped in science that we love to blame for our lack of ability to burn fat.

 
* NEW POINT OF VIEW

I do not accept delivery of my ancestors' nasty terminology or fat genes. *

The foregoing is excerpted from All is Forgiven, Move On by Janice Taylor. All rights reserved. Copyright © Oy Caramba! Ltd., 2008.

“Can you lose weight from sheer wackiness? After leafing through Janice Taylor’s …compendium of dieting revelations and multicolored inspirational collages, you won’t want to rule it out."—The New York Times

“More satisfying than a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.”—Chicago Sun-Times

“Many diet and exercise books lack two ingredients: humor and creativity. If those are missing from your current slim-down regimen, seek out Our Lady of Weight Loss."—LA Times

“A fun, irreverent and wacky read for women who would consider approaching weight loss with a sense of humor in one hand and a rosary in the other. Or perhaps a paintbrush. The kind of diet book Vivi and her pals (from Rebecca Wells' The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood) would read if they ‘let themselves go.’"—Fort Worth Star-Telegram

“In her witty and original approach to weight loss, Janice Taylor encourages us to lighten up, in more ways than one. Offering support, motivation and forgiveness for our dietary transgressions, Our Lady of Weight Loss gives us much-needed hope. All we need is faith—in ourselves.”—about.com

“The best makeovers begin from the inside out. Positive change comes from positive actions. Our Lady of Weight Loss links laughter to self-worth. It makes the phrase "lighten up" quite literal.”—Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way

"Finally! A bit of wacky originality, humor and creativity in the world of weight loss."—Simon Doonan, author of Nasty: My and Other Glamorous Varmints

“A humorous approach…Taylor doesn't push a diet plan. She is a weight-loss coach who encourages people to take a fun and creative way to losing weight.” —Winston-Salem Journal

“If you are in dire need of a diet starter or just a good kick in the tush, be sure to check out Our Lady of Weight Loss.”—AmNY

“Our Lady of Weight Loss is like a really good motivational dieting coach that could possibly need to be locked up in a mental institution, but you don't care because she is so good.”—fitsugar.com

"Divine intervention at its best and funniest! Who knew? The powers that be are hilarious! Never has losing weight been so much fun!”—Colette Bouchez, medical writer for The New York Daily News

“This empowering book's underlying theme is one of self-care.”—Library Journal